by J. P. Vaswani

The word for marriage in our ancient Sanskrit language is "Grahasta Ashrama" Marriage is an ashrama- a place of discipline not a pleasure hunting ground . Marriage is not a licence. It is at once a discipline and a responsibility. In marriage two persons — a man and a woman — offer the whole of their self, mind, body, and feelings to each other. They do not live for self alone: they live for each other. Success in marriage is more than finding the right person. Being the right person is even more important.

Socrates, the yogi of ancient Greece, was asked: "Which is better, to marry or not to marry?" In answer, he said: "Whichever you do, you will ultimately repent." He meant to say that marriage is like a Delhi ka laddu, kheyega to bhi pachtayega, nahi khayega to bhi pachtayega. Whether you marry or whether you do not marry — both ways you will repent.

On another occasion when he was asked the same question: "Which is better, to marry or not to marry?" he answered: "By all means, marry. If you get a good wife you will become very happy. But if you get a bad one, you will become a philosopher—and that is good for any man."

He himself did not get a good wife. Xanthippe was her name. She troubled her husband, again and again. One day, in anger, she abused her husband and out of her lips flowed a stream of coarse invectives. Socrates quietly left the house. When Xanthippe found that her husband was gone, she took up a bucket of dirty water and threw it on him as he walked underneath the balcony of their house. The good man that he was, he looked up and said: "Formerly, it thundered, now it pours!"

The ideal is that every husband should treat his wife as a queen. Theodore Roosevelt, one of the distinguished Presidents of the United States, when he was a student at Harvard, fell in love with a 17- year old girl, Alice. It was what they call love at first sight. In due course, they were married. And an entry in Theodore Roosevelt’s diary reads: "Now that I have won the hand of Alice, the aim of my whole life shall be to make her happy, to shield her and guard her from every trial. And oh! how I will cherish my sweet queen! How she, so pure and sweet and beautiful, can think of marrying me, I can not understand, but I praise and thank God it is so!’’

I recall the words of a wise man, Joseph Fort Newton. He said: "The happiest wife is not the one who marries the best man but the one who makes the best of the man she marries."

Men and women were created by God so that they could form one complete whole. So it is that he endowed men with certain qualities and women with complementary qualities. By themselves neither man nor woman are complete. Men have strength, determination, energy vigour, guts. Women have great sensitivity, spiritual aspirations, the spirit of sympathy, service and sacrifice. Men rely on their intellects. Women have intuitions. Rudyard Kipling said: "A woman’s guess is much more accurate than a man’s certainty." Man and woman together form one complete person. By themselves both are incomplete. Each needs the other. Each has to learn much from the other. A holy man said: "Except a man become a woman he cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven. And except a woman become a man she cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven." Love may begin with physical attraction but marriage, in due course, fuses them together so that they form one complete whole. This is the purpose of marriage. When we forget it, we lose the proper perspective of marriage. I am afraid, today there are so many couples who may be classified as married strangers. They may share the same house, the same table, the same car and yet may actually be drifting away from each other.

How may we avoid being married strangers? How may we, after married be fused into one complete whole? So let me pass on to you ten practical suggestions. I sometimes refer to them as the ten commandments of marriage. What are they?

~ 1 ~

The very first commandment is: Avoid the next quarrel. If one of you is in a mood to quarrel, the other one should be patient. His or her turn will come at the right time. But both should not be, at the same time, in a mood to quarrel. And even, perchance, if you do quarrel, see that you don’t let the sun set on the quarrel. And if it so happens that you get up in the middle of the night and quarrel, then don’t let the sun rise on your quarrel. Make up before sunset or sunrise. You do not become small if you realize your mistake and go and apologize.

There were two people. They celebrated their Golden Anniversary. They said that in all the 50 years, they had quarreled not even once with each other — though both of them were known to have irascible temperaments: they both had the tendency to be angry at the least excuse. They were asked the secret and they said: "The secret is a simple one. When we married, we made a pact with each other that both of us would never be angry at the same time. We said that if one of us gets angry, the other one will be quiet at that time. We have held on to that agreement through these 50 years and that is why our marriage has been such a happy marriage."

I recall the words of the great scientist, Dr. Albert Einstein. When he celebrated his Golden Anniversary, he also said: "When we got married we made a pact with each other. We said that my wife will make all the small decisions and I will make all the major decisions." And then he added: "The wonder is that in all these 50 years we have had to make only small decisions: there has been no occasion to make even one major decision."

~ 2 ~

The second commandment of marriage is: Be a good listener. Listen to what- the other person has to say. We like to talk but are not prepared to listen. Let us be good listeners. Of a couple it was said: "There was a time when he talked and she listened. On their honeymoon, she talked and he listened. Now that they are settled down in their own home both talk and the neighbors listen."

It was Benjamin Disraeli who said: "Nature endowed man with two ears and one mouth. Man is meant to talk less and listen more." If man was meant to talk more and listen less he would have two mouths on the two sides of the face and one ear in front. How funny we would have looked! And the ears are made like funnels: they have no doors with which they can be closed. Whereas, if a word has to leave the mouth, it has to cross two fences the fence of the two rows of teeth and the fence of the two lips. Therefore before a word is spoken we must at least think twice.

Of the spoken word we are slaves: of the unspoken word we are masters. Once a word leaves the lips, it cannot be taken back. Therefore, we must be careful of every word we speak. We should speak less, listen more. And we should listen not merely with the ears but with the heart. Better than talking is listening. Better than both is to enter the silence within. A saint of South India, Avvayar prayed: "O Lord, I keep on talking and talking as though I have mouths all over the body. When shall I cease from doing so? When shall I enter into the silence within?"

~ 3 ~

The third commandment of marriage is: Appreciate your spouse. Everyone loves to be appreciated. Do not find fault with your spouse when you are in the midst of other people. Leonardo da Vinci said: "Reprove your friend in secret, praise him before others." When we appreciate others, we help them to draw out the best that is in them. Appreciate others.

Appreciate your children. Do not scold them. When you scold your children, you stifle the life force that’s within them. I asked a child what his name was. And he answered: "In school, they call me Ramesh: at home I am called Ramesh don’t." I could not understand. And he explained: "At school they call me Ramesh. But at home they call me, Ramesh don’t do this. Ramesh don’t behave like this. Ramesh don’t talk like this. Ramesh don’t sit like this. At home I am Ramesh don’t." Today, as you return to your homes, go and appreciate your spouses. May I pass on to you a magic formula? It is built up of seven simple words.

It can create a new atmosphere in the home. The seven words are: "Honey, where would I be without you?" These words must be spoken at least once everyday, not mechanically but with deep feeling and emotion of the heart. "Honey, where would I be without you?"

~ 4 ~

The fourth commandment is: Keep your love fresh! After marriage, spouses take each other for granted. Women have complained to me: "There was a time when our husbands gave us many promises, made many vows, took great interest in what we did. All this is become a part of history. Now they take us for granted." Therefore, keep your love fresh.

~5 ~

The fifth commandment is: Do not expect perfection of each other. No man or woman is ever perfect. It was Jesus who said: "Call me not perfect. Alone the Father in Heaven is Perfect!" Marriage involves two imperfect human beings joining together. Accept your spouse for what he or she is, not for what he or she would be, could be, or should be.

~ 6 ~

This takes us to the sixth commandment: Be a good forgiver. To make marriage a success, to make it a source of happiness and harmony, you have to forgive much. It is the prerogative of marriage to give and give and give — and forgive — and never be tired of giving and forgiving. "How many times shall I forgive?" asked a husband. "Shall I forgive 7 times?" "No," came the answer, "you must forgive 70 times 7!" 70 times 7 is 490 times which means you must forgive without counting. And a wife complained: "I have been forgiving until I can forgive no longer. I have forgiven and received nothing in return." And she was told: "Continue to forgive without expecting anything in return."

~ 7 ~

The seventh commandment of marriage is: You must be patient, loving, understanding, kind and true to each other.

~ 8 ~

The eighth commandment is: Develop a healthy sense of humor. If two people have to live with each other, they must develop a healthy sense of humor. They must learn to laugh and make each other laugh. We must laugh with others, never laugh at others. If we have to laugh at somebody, we must laugh at ourselves. Each one of us has some oddities, some unpleasant quirks or weaknesses. We can always laugh at ourselves. Laughter is at once a physical, mental and spiritual tonic.

A husband, in the presence of his wife, complained to a friend: "There was a time when my wife used to bring my shoes and my dog used to bark. Now things have reversed. My shoe is brought by my dog, and my wife barks." The wife had a good sense of humor and she immediately said to the husband: "Of what are you complaining? You get both the things right. You get the shoe and also the bark!"

There was another husband. He was tall and hefty. The wife was short and slim. One day they entered into an argument. In the course of the argument the husband lost his temper and said to the wife: "If I liked, I could swallow you up." The wife had a sense of humor. She laughed as she said, "If you swallowed me up, you would have better brains in your belly than in your head!"

A husband said: "My wife has made me a millionaire." "What were you before you married her?" he was asked. And he answered: "A multi-millionaire!"

~ 9 ~

The ninth commandment is: If ever there is a misunderstanding, do not hide your feelings. Do not hesitate in discussing whatever is in your heart freely and without fear.

~ 10 ~

And the tenth and the most important commandment is: Everyday you must find time to sit together and praise the Lord and thank Him for having brought the two of you together. You must spend some time together in the presence of God. It has been said, that the family that prays together, stays together. I have never come across a couple in serious difficulty who were praying together. If ever you have a disagreement or a problem take it to God and, somehow, the solution will come. In God’s presence we cannot argue with bitterness: in God’s presence we cannot shout at each other. Let your life be rooted in the love of God and in the loving service of God’s suffering children and you will be richly blessed and be a source of blessing to many on the rough road of life!