Dr. Kondoor Abraham

I heard this story once about a man who went to hell and then to heaven and decided to stay in hell. When he went to hell for the first time, hell appeared as an attractive place. There was so much music and wild party and he enjoyed it. From hell, he went to heaven to check out how heaven was like. To his disappointment, heaven was boring. He did not like the music. It was very mellow and there was no party and he decided to return to hell. When he returned to hell this time, to his disappointment, every one appeared miserable there. People were groaning and mourning and there was much unhappiness. He wanted to know why hell was so different from the first time he visited. Satan, with all his cleverness said, "Whey you first came here, you were a visitor. Now you are a recruit."

In some ways, this story applies to our experience in the United States. When we first came here, we were truly excited about the freedom and opportunities in the United States but now we realize that there are conflicts that we need to overcome. While none of us can deny the privileges that we have in this country, we are very conscious of the cultural conflicts that we need to handle and our own lack of experience in handling the many issues that our young generation is experiencing. This morning I am asked to give a talk on "What parents can do to minimize the conflicts between the American culture and Indian culture in their children?"

Before I present some practical suggestions to minimize conflicts, I like to look at ways cultural conflicts emerge. In order to get a full grasp of this topic, let us define what culture is. Culture can be defined as the totality or the essence of everything that we hold on to as tradition (repeat). Remember, it took a very long time for us to form the culture that we belong to, namely our Indian culture. This culture that we practice was brought down from generation to generation and what we observe now is basically the essence of what our ancestors and people of our ethnic group practiced for thousands of years. This explains why breaking away from something so deeply rooted can bring conflicts.

There are many different cultures in operation in all of our human habitats. Here in the United States, we are familiar with the White American culture, the Afro-American culture, the Hispanic culture, the Asian culture, the Native American culture, etc. Like I shared before, these cultures developed over a very long period of time and they present both similarities and at times sharp dissimilarities that conflict with our values and beliefs that we are so reluctant to give up. While our own distinct ethnic identity is emerging in this pluralistic set up, we are also under pressure to conform to the norms that other cultures present through their style of living, values, family ties, etc. While there is nothing inherently wrong about any of these cultures, we experience conflict mainly because we are not used to such a lifestyle. It becomes harder for us when we see that the second generation fast assimilating the values of American culture. (e.g. suit fitting)

An important point to remember at this point is that while our second generation may or may not have conflicts with other cultures, they surely have conflicts with some aspects of our own culture. What they see as part of our ‘surface culture’ which represents our symbols, our heroic achievements, significant contributions to the international world, expressions of art, music, performance, etc. are no grounds for conflict. Where they find conflict is mostly in the area of our ‘deep culture’ which determine our ceremonies, marriage, grooming, rights and duties, sex roles, beliefs, etc. Some of our myths, taboos, values, and concept of time can also be grounds for conflicts. For example, the hierarchical nature of our Indian family system in which the older ones over younger ones, males over females, husbands over wives, can all be grounds for conflict in the American context. The much debated dating issue, freedom to boys and restriction to girls, what one should wear and how, hair style, etc. also present conflicts in some form or shape.

Now that the areas of conflicts have been identified to some extent, let me share with you some strategies that we can use to minimize conflicts between parents and children.

1. First of all, expect to have conflicts come up as children grow up and mature. One may not notice conflicts during the early years of a child’s life; conflicts usually arise by the time they are teenagers and when they are conscious of their Indian identity.

2. What we see as conflict between us and our children is, in modest terms, their way of coping with a reality that places demands on their lives. For example, an adult child who decides to move out of parental home is basically trying to fit into a cultural norm that dictates autonomy and separation. A person who does not conform to this cultural expectation experiences shame in front of his/her American peers. An Indian parent, based on Indian cultural expectation, may see this act as defiance and undoubtedly, it brings conflict between the parent and the adult child.

So as parents we need to be understanding and be patient while our children sort out their options.

3. Make sure that the conflicts that have come up as a result of cultural adjustments for our children become conflicts within the family. In other words, let us try that these adjustments do not conflict parent-child relationship or brother-sister relationships. There are isolated reports of brothers exercising undue discipline over their sisters and parents threatening to terminate relationships with their children or in some instances to send children back to India.

4. As far as possible, try to find middle grounds and compromises so that the long term interests of both parents and children are protected. Sometimes, the intervention of a relative or a family friend can be helpful in resolving issues. In rare conflicted situations, it may be better for a child to live with a close relative until parents regain their cool.

5. Regardless, how intense the situation is, do not close communication with your daughter/son. Keep communicating as much s you can, keep your anger under check.

6. As a course of prevention, let your children know your preferences and give them freedom to make responsible decisions.

7. A final thing again as a course of prevention is to enrich our children’s identity so that they would never see it as something that they need to overcome. (Recently, I heard about someone who wants to change her beautiful Indian name.)

8. Remember social isolation will not resolve conflicts. In other words, keeping children isolated from other cultures may not be a healthy attitude. Healthy, unbiased interaction and involvement with other cultures will foster mutual respect and appreciation. our own loyalties should rise above our own cultures to see other cultures as part of the same fabric that ties in humanity as one species with differences only in blood types and not in the color of our skin or in the languages that we speak.

When Arun Gandhi, Mahatma Gandhi’s son came here for a conference beginning of last year, he shared this interesting experience from his own life. In Tennessee where he is staying, he was moving his belonging with the help of an African American male and a White American female. At one point they took a break and sat down to relax. The child of the white American female came over and smelled the sweaty body of each one of them and remarked: "All of you smell the same."

Once Martin Luther King Jr. said, "We may have come on different ships, but we’re all in the same boat now. It doesn’t matter when and how we came to the United States, basically, all of us share the same issues and concerns that are highlighted here. We will not win any game unless we try. Hence let us handle these issues with much patience knowing that our children are our great treasure and hope for tomorrow. A hundred years from now, what will matter is how much we loved them, how we resolved their issues peacefully, and how well we helped them to adjust to America, our adoptive land."