A Traditional South Indian Wedding

by Manfred Pfluegl

Arrival:

The adventure begins, or so I hope. The London tube is rolling towards Heathrow. It's dark, cold, and raining outside. In 24 hours that should all be different. My destination, India, will hopefully be colorful, warm, and with long days full of sunshine. Never have I been less prepared for a true vacation. The visa stamp is in my passport, the untouched Lonely Planet survival kit book is in my backpack, but that's it. No reading up on it or planning on where to go, what to see. I'm in a good mood. Who wouldn't be. Unlike other people I can never get into the vacation spirit until the day after the departure. My electronic scheduler is full with work right up to the last moment. Nowadays I even have to make business calls while I am on vacation. But that doesn't really take away from the fun.

Half a day has passed and I am inhaling all the new experiences. This might sound funny, but it smells differently here in Delhi than anywhere else. In the evening I continued my journey from the domestic airport in Delhi to Hyderabad.

Oh, I had not mentioned yet why I am here. Ravi, a friend of mine living in the US, is getting married. A traditional south-Indian Hindu wedding to which I was invited. That sounded very much like a once in a lifetime opportunity and an offer that I could not refuse. So the main reason for the trip is the wedding. Afterwards I will stay another 10 days to do some sight seeing.

Friends of the bride picked me up at the airport. From there we headed to the bride's home and I got to meet the whole family, none of whom I had ever met. Parents, brothers, aunts, uncles, brides maid, and lots of other people where I had no clue who they are. The majority spoke English so there was no communication problem. The introduction said something about the culture. First I met all the men. Only half an hour later when we moved into the dining room or kitchen did I meet any of the women. The house was big, obviously designed to be home for more than just one generation. Usually it is the responsibility of the oldest son to stay home and support the parents in their old age. Women, once married, are more closely associated with their husband's family than their own. The house was in one of the finer areas of Hyderabad I was told. This was hard to tell since the neighborhood was all dark when we came. There are no street lights. Not even in the better neighborhoods. The house itself was decorated for the festivity. Light bulbs in many colors where hanging of the trees and bushes. Had I not known that there is a wedding I would have surely thought that this is a colorful Christmas decoration. I was invited for dinner and in their appreciated hospitality they even arranged a room in a guest house for me.

The Wedding:

A wedding is a big deal in India. Families go out of their way to make it a feast. Many not-so-well-off families go into big debt to cover the expenses of a wedding. So much so that they have to pay off their debt for the rest of their life. It used to be a 15 day celebration. During the preparation neither bride nor groom was allowed to leave the home. That would be too risky. With all that investment you want to make sure nothing happens to bride or groom. Today weddings last anywhere from one to five days.

The culture behind Indian weddings has its pros and cons. The strongest pro is the sincerity with which the wedding is celebrated and the fact that most weddings, unlike in the West, do last a life time. The downside is that even though dowries are outlawed as far as I know they are still in a lot of cases part of the wedding. That by itself wouldn't be bad but according to the newspapers due to the dowry unhappy marriages sometimes end up in the extreme: The wife dies of unnatural causes in an unresolved manner. Frequently, the kitchen goes up in flames. The never proven allegations are that the husband rid himself of his wife to cash in one more time at the next wedding. But let's not paint a grim picture just because of some exceptional cases. The vast majority of the weddings turn out happy couples, more so than in the West where nearly every second marriage fails.

The wedding preparations often start a year before the big date. The date is selected based on astrology, selected down to the minute based on birthdays and other factors. The right time will bring good fortune for both bride and groom, so the heart of the ceremony is scheduled down to the minute. Here in the country where delays are quite frequent, for the wedding no delays is tolerable, one must stick to the auspicious time.

For Ravi's wedding all these rules were followed. A good date was picked and the auditorium for the festivities had to be rented far in advance. Four weeks ago there was a pre-wedding ceremony, sort of an engagement, that included an exchange of rings. The groom's ring is bought by the bride's family and vice versa.

The wedding consisted of many traditional elements which could be considered smaller ceremonies that make up the wedding. These elements include:

• Exchange of rings (similar to the Western engagement)
• Making of the Groom
• Making of the Bride
• Main ceremony
• Home coming ceremony at the home of the bride
• Home coming ceremony at the home of the groom
• Ceremony at the home shrine
• Ceremony at the local temple

Making of the Groom:

Two days before the wedding the ceremony called "Making the Groom" takes place at the groom's town. It starts at 4 a.m. when musicians start playing classical Indian tunes in front of the groom's house. These musicians are by tradition full time barbers who act as part time musicians. The typical band is 4 players: 2 drums, 1 flute-like and 1 trumpet-like instrument. These guys play at religious festivals such as a wedding. That music is intended to invite the neighbors and the relatives over. Together they start making ropes out of mango leaves. The groom's Dad hangs this mango-leave creation in the yard as decoration. Then the groom gets up and sits down with his niece on a wooden board. Ghee (butter) will be rubbed into his hair by his mom and her sisters. Once done, the couple will be sprinkled with rice grains and his forehead painted with kumkum (red powder). Next the family barber (no, he is not one of the musicians) comes from the neighboring village. Interestingly, he is always paid in grain after the harvest and not with money. He washes the groom, uses special oils for it such as coconut and olive. Then the groom's face is painted. A black dot on the groom's right cheek is supposed to scare away bad spirits, between the eyes, a symbol consisting of 3 strokes is painted, also in black. The spot between the eyes is considered a special spot on the human body. A religious meaning. Being special people want to draw attention to it. It does not indicate anything about the marital status. As far as I know the color has no special meaning either. Men as well as women paint a spot between their eyes. The ceremony is not quite over yet. It continues with money being given to the groom by all the older relatives. The elder enjoy more respect. So, the younger miss out on that part. In return the groom touches their feet for blessing. After this a procession is held to two temples. A special order is kept: first the barber, then the groom, followed by the relatives. 30 or 40 in Ravi's case. In the temples food is offered and incense sticks are burned. Since mankind cannot live from worship alone lunch is served. In traditional cases like here, no plates are use but banana leaves are used. Interestingly the Hawaiians share this habit with the Indians. I guess it is just handy and bananas grow in both places. As you can guess this "Making of the Groom" is nearly a whole day affair.

Making of the Bride:

A similar traditional celebration is held for the bride. Who would have thought, it's called "Making of the Bride". Physical preparations for the bride take place a day before the wedding. To make her even more exciting, exotic, and attractive vegetable dye is painted in an ornamental fashion onto her hands and lower arms, palms as well as the backsides as well as her feet. The dry dye adds a third dimension to her skin. It is black and looks at the first glance from a distance like a tattoo. Only on the second glance did I detect that it was a thick layer on top of her skin. Once completely dry it will be rubbed off and a red color will stay behind on the skin. In the early morning of the day of the wedding the family barber will give her a manicure. Relatives come together in prayer. All of this happened early in the morning when I was still sleeping. When I got to the house of the bride mid-morning the musicians were playing their melodies. The bride, Raji, sits there with her niece in the Lotus formation under a roof made of leaves and flowers. The roof not only looks good but also smells delightful. After taking off their shoes guests walk up and sprinkle red powder onto the forehead from a dish with 4 small cups containing powders in 4 different colors. Next rice grains are sprinkled over their heads. Then coins are rotated three times around their heads before they are dropped into a bowl of water next to the bride. Raji's Mom patiently walked me through all these steps, so I could join the ceremony without making a fool out of myself. The black dye that added that third dimension to the bride's hands' skin yesterday night was now rubbed off leaving behind a red colored decoration in the same patterns.

By now about 200 people had gathered for the bride-making. Early afternoon lunch was served in buffet-style under a cloth roof put up to create shade. In the past, this would have been made out of bamboo leaves and bamboo sticks. The dishes were southern Indian cuisine. Mild for Indians, slightly on the spice side for me. Rice, white and spicy, curry vegetable dishes, yogurt, fruit pudding, and to finish everything off with a `killi'. The best bethel nut thing-y I ever had, spices straight out of the Arabian Nights story. Mystic. There is no food between lunch and the end of the main ceremony somewhere around midnight today for bride and groom. When I asked why I was told that there might be some religious reason but above all it is to avoid `calls of nature' during the ceremony. The whole ceremony is in a very relaxed environment. Some men are dressed in traditional Indian dresses. Most wear clothes not too far from Western style. The women dresses are more special. All women wear the traditional Indian saree. True gold threads are woven by hand into the sarees. They are cleaned only once or twice in a lifetime. Needless to say that the dress of the bride was the most golden one, the most outstanding. Furthermore, she was decorated with fine jewelry. Dozen of golden arm rings on both her arms, golden ear rings, a bracelet in the back connecting her ears and the back of her hair, a golden waist band, and a golden jewel in the center of her forehead. These accessories solely underlined her natural beauty. Indian clothing very much focuses the attention on the face by hiding most of the figure. Raji's face expressed gracefulness and delicacy and her appearance as a whole excited sensuous or aesthetic pleasure. All of this added up made her look like you would imagine a fairy tale princess.

The Main Wedding Ceremony:

In the evening at 6 p.m. Ravi left the hotel in a white Maruti sprinkled from hood to tail light with different colored roses. The ceremony was held at a huge auditorium. It was decorated in and outside. The colored lights and the strong light beams that they use in the US the advertise for Hollywood flicks and car dealerships made it obvious for the whole neighborhood that something special is happening here. An entrance gate made out of flowers spelled out a welcome to Raji and Ravi. The arrival of the bride and groom were marked with a spectacular orgy of noises and sights. Several dozens of musicians were playing. "Playing" is an understatement, they were playing with all their might, hitting the drums as hard as they could, blowing the flutes as loud as possible, ... The music was disturbingly or excitingly loud. Fire crackers went off adding their explosion bangs to the rest of the music. Sparklers were set on fire. A key musician was a drummer that used two balls on chains as drum sticks, but to make it livelier they were immersed in gasoline and set on fire. For a moment even the drums were on fire. He also acted as fire thrower; yard long flames came out of his mouth and he didn't even stop drumming. The noise of this spectacle was deafening.

Upon entering the auditorium through a passage that was a tunnel of flowers Ravi's brother-in-law washed Ravi's feet. Women sprinkled scented water upon the entering people and handed roses to the women and kids. The auditorium seats more than 1500 people and is decorated with flowers from front to back. There are several more flower gates and the ceiling is decorated with silver colored Christmas-like looking ornaments. All columns are covered in leaves and flowers. There are drummers in the front and drummers in the back. The life music goes non-stop. Most women sit on left, guys on right. A water fountain with disco lights and lotus flower symbols separates the left and right side. In the very front is a podium with a roof, flowers hanging down like a curtain. Behind it is a picture of the elephant god Ganesh, Shiva son, with Raji to the left and Ravi to the right; so I thought originally, but it is actually Ganesh accompanied by two women. The rat, his official vehicle, is also on the picture. This picture is completely made out of flowers and was more than life sized. Ganesh, approves and gives a happy marriage and he is also the god to worship first in any ceremony.

Brahmans, Hindu priests, are sitting on the podium seemly preparing something. Bananas and coconuts have been placed next to them. The musicians seem to go ecstatic, the music is keeping up in speed and loudness. Ravi comes out and sits down with his niece. His Dad has a hard time convincing the drummers to stop. Now the priest takes over. He speaks in what sounds like a monotone voice to me through the microphone. Ravi sits there in his Armani suit but barefoot. When I turn around half of the people are gone from the audience. Following them I discovered that the reception is downstairs. People come and go freely between the ceremony and the reception. In the reception area center are colored ice carvings, two `R's, obviously for Raji and Ravi and two swans. It's very crowded. What did you expect with more than 1000 people? The feast is again buffet style. Different rice dishes and a large variety of curries (a curry, by the way, is a side dish and has little to do with the spice of the same name), breads, ice cream, `pan', and fruits. My mouth starts watering just thinking back to this culinary delight. This kind of pan had a thin silver layer on top and was as delicious as the one I had earlier at the Making of the Bride ceremony. The other sweets went from silver wrapped green rice-cream creations to orange spiral-shaped sugar bombs. Everyone made sure that I have at least two helpings of each dish offered. After I had worked my way through to dessert, I was about to explode. Other people lose weight in India. I am gaining a pound a day and I don't mind. I wouldn't want to miss any of that. Again, to my surprise, the main dishes were fairly mild. They were saturated with flavors but they were not hot as in spicy.

Not being able to handle any more food I went back upstairs. Now the bride is guided in. She sits behind a cloth so that bride and groom cannot see each other. 9:15 p.m. is the auspicious time. At 9:13 the drums go wild. It brings extremely bad luck should someone sneeze at that time I was told. The cloth is removed. This seems to be the climax of the feast. People stand up. In a somewhat orderly fashion the majority of the 1200 guests, those that are older than the groom I guess, walk up onto the podium, barefoot of course, to throw rice on the heads of bride and groom as a sign of prosperity. They shake the hands of the fathers of bride and groom and some hand over envelopes. And everyone has a big smile on their face.

The ceremony is far from over. Next, a golden necklace with two lockets and 3 knots is placed by groom over the bride's neck. This symbolizes the end of the official wedding. A second necklace is placed around her neck and the drums go wild one more time. Hold it, it's still not quite over. The
groom places a flower lei (for a lack of better term) around the bride and vice versa. Then a rice fight starts, with both hands bride and groom pour pounds of rice onto each other, it does seem to stop and both seem to enjoy this game, it reminded me of a water fight. Needless to say that the drummers go nuts again, a true frenzy.

The whole ceremony was preserved for generations to come on film and photos. Professional videographers and photographers were working all day long. Now that Raji and Ravi could get up, all combinations and variations of people were arranged to be photographed.

Home Coming Ceremony at the Home of the Bride:

After the main ceremony which ended after midnight the bride and groom went to the bride's place where her parents invited them into the house with a small ceremony. Raji's Mom stood in the doorway moving a silver tray with a few items on it and a few burning pellets in circles. While doing so, some Indian was spoken, then bride and groom went inside.

At 1 a.m. we went back to the auditorium which was now in a state of complete mess. Things were taken down, disassembled, put in boxes, and loaded onto trucks. Most of the guests had left. The ones who would go back to the home town of the groom were already on a bus ready to head for Chirala. I was treated special despite my protests. I got to ride in the bride-groom car, an Ambassador. With 5 people in the car, 40 or so in the bus we finally left for Chirala at 2 a.m.. A long journey of more then 8 hours of driving was ahead of us.

Home Coming Ceremony at the Home of the Groom:

Eventually we reached Chirala. We were all glad. The group with the bus went first to set things up at Ravi's home. We waited 5 minutes. The servants opened the gate for us. Ravi's Mom performed another welcoming ceremony. Lemons were moved in circles above their head and then thrown into the yard to their left, their right, and one between the married couple. Then people moved a few steps back. It was easy to guess what would happen next. A coconut was taken and smashed on the concrete pavement that the pieces and coconut milk flew through the air. After being invited into the house, the couple went into the prayer room.

The car ride had worn me out. I skipped the ceremony in the prayer room and went straight into the heaven sent shower. Feeling like new born lunch waited for me. We, everyone from grandfather to niece and nephew, sat down on narrow long tables. For the first time I got to use plates made out of sewn and stitched leaves. Once again I got spoiled. A large variety of delicious food was served and whenever my plate was half empty a servant would come and ask me if I want a refill. What a life! Very spoiling though. I inhaled the food and Ravi taught me how to eat the right way. Indian style... without any utensils.

After having filled my stomach, I hit the sack to catch some Z's. After getting up we continued where we left off. Eating again. This time dinner. I didn't mind. Quite the opposite. I loved it. It's my vacation. Being lazy should be part of that. It doesn't happen too often that my every whim is taken care of. So, I might as well indulge in it for a few days. After dinner I played with the kids. I knew them already from the Making of the Groom and the main wedding ceremony. By now their shyness was completely gone and all 5 kids were all over me and I am called "uncle Manfred" which I take as a compliment.

Ceremony at the Home Shrine:

Well rested the next day's ceremony is in honor of god Satyanarayana, a form of Vishnu, caretaker of present world and the heart of it takes place in the family prayer room. "Only" 120 people are expected for today's celebration. Besides the mango leaves which have been hung three days ago, more flower decorations have been put up. A whole wall of flower strings was built. In front of it two throne-looking chairs were put up.

The key ceremony starts in the prayer room whose shrine and door are also decorated with flowers. The couple repeatedly breaks coconuts, a sacred Indian fruit, on a rock under the instruction of a Brahman. The coconut halves are placed in front of the shrine. Leaves are used to sprinkle some transparent liquid, I think it is water, onto the coconut pieces and the shrine. Rice sprinkling, of course, is part of the ceremony too. White little pellets are lit, sprinkled with the same liquid, and the smoke is blown towards the shrine with hand movements. These steps are repeated about a half dozen times. Next, flower, sugar, and raisins were mixed and blessed. A pair of bananas, coins, nuts, and ginger roots were placed on leaves and placed next to bride, groom, and the shrine. Throughout these actions the priest was talking.

Clothes were handed to Ravi, then to Raji by the parents; next other presents were handed over. In return the couple blessed the feed of the givers. As final elements of the ceremony nectar was placed in the right hand forming a cup, three spoonfuls of nectar to be exact. This is not just ordinary nectar but the nectar of life which gives eternal life. I received it too. My lucky day. I have no illusions about living forever, but maybe my spirit will live on for a long time. The blessed raisin, flower, nut mix was also eaten by the wedded couple. I take it, it has similar meaning.

While I could observe and participate (by imitation) in all of this, I do not understand any of the deeper meaning. However, I was told that most Indians do not understand the "why". Someone even remarked that even the Brahman might not know exactly what all this is supposed to mean. Certainly, I don't feel ignorant for still not knowing the scoop behind all these things. These rituals are handed down from generation to generation, often some of the thoughts behind it escape us.

After the portion in the family prayer room is over, Raji and Ravi sit down on their "throne". Chairs for all the guests have been put up so that everyone can observe the couple. Relatives and friends from the village come and stop by. A luncheon is served for all. Because not everyone can be fed at once several rounds of lunch are necessary. The food was as delightful as every meal before.

Ceremony at the Local Temple:

Near Ravi's home, just a few minutes walking distance, is a temple to which Ravi's family feels close ties. Ravi's Dad helps to keep the temple in good shape. As a final ceremony we went to this temple. To make sure my shoes don't get dirty we didn't walk the couple of hundred yards but took the car. At the temple the priest showed us a new plaque with an inscription of Ravi and his parent's name for their contributions. This temple is in the honor of Hanuman,
helper of Rama and son of the wind god. Hanuman once carried a mountain to the injured Lakshmana, brother of Rama, when he couldn't find a healing herb but knew that it grew in that mountain region. Who ever said that one should bring the prophet to the mountain if one can't bring the mountain to the prophet?

Heading North:

Time had come to say good-bye to Ravi's Dad and all the other relatives in Chirala. Raji, Ravi, and myself headed back to Hyderabad by train. There we would separate, I was heading north to Delhi and Raji and Ravi to Madras. The train wasn't much faster than the car as it was about a nine hour ride. The air con worked so well that I had to put on a sweater. For a last time I had the honor to be hosted by Raji's family in Hyderabad. The dinner was superb again. I was about to skip the chicken when Ravi commented that "this is as good as chicken gets". He was right. This was quite likely the best chicken I ever had. And for desert I got to know another new dish: squash with raisins, sugar, butter, and spices served hot. Known as `Sorakai Halva' in Telugu. Yummy.

Throughout my visit to India so far I was hosted unbelievably well. Everything was provided for me: A countless number of meals and snacks each day, I was never allowed to carry anything or help anywhere, somebody would come and take the garbage out of my hand, remove the used plate from
the table, etc. I was constantly given the best seat in the car, the best seats during the ceremonies, etc. I would call this hospitality squared. The Indians certainly take hospitality to the extreme. Both families can be used as a model or showcase for hospitality. Raji's Mom actually seems to be able to read your mind.

For farewell they caught me by surprise again. Instead of me giving them a present they gave me a present. Naturally I refused, well tried to. But then they of course insisted saying it would be very impolite to reject it. I am not sure if they made this up or not, but eventually I accepted the valuable present. It surely will keep many memories alive.

On my part, words cannot express the appreciation for being made part of the whole wedding affair. I was not only observing I was also participating. I have seen so much, heard so much, smelled so much, tasted so much, and felt so much, all of which cannot be put into words. It would have been well worth it to fly to India solely for the wedding.

A final comment on marriage. A wedding is one thing, marriage another. To a certain degree an outsider from a Western culture can feel jealous about the guarantee involved on an Indian marriage. It is for life without any fine print or conditions, asterisks, or exceptions, or clauses. Here there are no if's and but's. One does not have to think or worry about certain possibilities related to break-up as these possibilities do not exist in most cases. Beauty in simplicity.