The scariest part about back-to-school season? The unknown.

It’s the thing that most parents feel as they work through in anticipation for the new year. There are a lot of questions that come up as you frantically do back-to-school shopping, attend orientations, and pick up class schedules.

Questions such as:

Will my child like their new teacher?

Will my child make new friends? Will they keep their old friends?

Will my child have a good school year?

As reasonable as these questions are, they usually are left unanswered. After a summer break, the beginning of the school year is usually a slow transition, and it takes an adjustment period.

Though parents feel this uncertainty, us teachers do too.

I remember going to school two weeks before students came back for professional development – sitting in long staff meetings, collaborating with grade level teams, and setting up my classroom. I would be in the throughs of preparation, many times having similar unknowns.

Questions such as:

Will my students like me?

Will I be the right teacher for them?

Will this be a strong school year?

Just like parents, I was just as much steeped in the unknown. Many times, decisions around class lists or teacher schedules wouldn’t be answered until school started. It made me realize that both parents and teachers are going through the same dilemma. Heck, even the kids are.

The reality is that this all comes from a place of care. Whether it is a parent or a teacher, the focus is the same – the child. The unknown is never eliminated (as much as we would like it to be) – but I know that we can shift our expectations for the beginning of the school year.

Instead of focusing on all the uncertainty, we can see it as a new opportunity for children where we learn alongside each other. To assuage all of these questions and concerns, I’ve put together some of my thoughts from a teacher to hopefully support this crazy transition called back-to-school.

Navigating Five Questions as a K-12 Parent:

Will my child have a good teacher?

It’s fair to say that this was the biggest wonder when I used to see parents during class schedule pick-up. There was anticipation of knowing who your homeroom teacher would be, your math/science teacher, and your fun art teacher. Heck, if it was elementary school – it was finding out who your teacher would be all day.

I could understand the anticipation – maybe wanting a teacher that your other child had, or hearing about a teacher that was seen as an exemplar. In this day and age, there usually isn’t a guarantee. There are just as many new teachers as veterans, resulting in varied experiences and reputations amongst the community. Unfortunately, these preconceived notions can cloud the judgment before the school year even starts.

What I realized is that the teacher-student relationship is a messy one. I know for me, I was starting the school year trying to know my student’s likes and dislikes, and being acquainted to the baggage they brought from their previous schooling. To make matters more difficult, as a teacher, I had 60 students, which meant sixty relationships that had to be built at the same time. It is a slow process, and it definitely doesn’t happen overnight.

For parents, I would ask – what does a “good” teacher mean to you?

• Your child likes them?
• Are they warm?
• Are they organized?
• Do they have high expectations?
• Does your child get good grades?
• Do they communicate frequently?
• Do they challenge your child?
• Your child feels seen?

There is no wrong answer, but it can give clarity on what you are looking for. I would say to provide grace to a teacher, and you may be surprised. Sometimes, a strict teacher that your child complains about can end up being the teacher who pushes your child more than ever. I would say know what you are looking for, and then surrender that experience as you let yourself and your child navigate those first few weeks.

2. Will my child transition well between grade levels?

I taught sixth grade which meant that I was in a pivotal grade transition for my students – elementary to middle school. There were BIG changes – one teacher to many teachers, passing periods between classes, and a completely new school building. My students showed varied emotions from excitement to nervousness. Many also carried plenty “baggage” from fifth grade.

Though the transition was tough, I truly saw kids blossom over the school year. That was the thing I noticed the most – every child came with their assumptions, but they were so resilient. I saw timid kids find more of their voice, I saw socially struggling kids sitting with new friends, and I saw angry kids become more patient and loving. It made me realize that though changing grade levels can be tough, it can also be the time that your child will develop and learn so much about themselves in the long-run.

As a parent, I think it’s important to give your child time to find their footing in those first few weeks. It is okay if it feels hard or challenging. There are so many adults in the building supporting students through these transitions. Also, students are being thrown so many rules and expectations, that they may need an adjustment period. I found that the students who knew that transition was completely normal, found themselves to come out the other side with growth.

3. Will my child make friends?

Since I was a middle school teacher, I was very acquainted with the friendship breakups and makeups. This was a daily occurrence while I was teaching, and many times, it was more of a focus area than the learning in the classroom. Why? Because kids are going through different developmental stages, and friendship and belonging slowly become a key part of their identity. Of course, this has now become more complicated with phones where group chats and social media have become a place to either include or isolate others beyond the school building.

Through my experience, I made it a point to normalize friendships evolving and shifting. It was usually a supportive adult at both school and home to help them navigate those conversations. We always told the students that you may not like everyone or want to be their best friend, but the basic rule is to be kind to others. I saw students change social circles constantly, and even find their people in other grade levels.

As a parent, I get this can be hard when this experience of friendships is usually happening the eight hours in a school building out of your purview. However, I think its safe to say that children will change their connections often, and find different peers to connect with. Instead of trying to curate or control that experience, I would say that the parents who showed support when encounter friendship challenges are important.

Another quick note – I found that when parents told me that their child struggled socially – it kept me on their radar. We were good about pairing students together that we thought could build a relationship, and even curate lunch spaces where there was inclusion of all kids. Don’t be afraid to tell a teacher – they are there to help!

4. Will my child keep up academically?

At the end of the day, it usually comes down to those Common Core standards. I found myself working with a lot of parents who felt deeply frustrated  because they were not familiar with this way of learning when they were younger. Believe me, I get frustrated when you can’t help your own kid with basic subjects.

The beginning of the school year is sticky because students come back from being off of school for a few months. Students were usually travelling, at summer camps, or on their phone a little too much. It’s like coming back to work after a vacation. If anything, both teachers and students (and parents) are transitioning back to this way of life.

I found that the first few weeks, I was focusing way more on culture building with students and getting to know them as people. Though I would introduce math pretty early, it was to cultivate a growth mindset, and to equip a child with the resilience needed to get into our first math unit. I also spent time doing pre-assessments to get data on every student, before moving into more standards-driven work.

Learning can’t happen if your child doesn’t feel belonging in the classroom. This is key and should be the focus for that first month. Does your child feel a sense of trust and safety? Are they transitioning well with both their adults and peers? If this doesn’t occur, then the standards will be harder to learn. As a parent, it’s okay to not sweat the academics right away. Let the transitional period happen before we get into the nitty gritty

5. Will my child have a good school year?

I hate to break it to you – but this is one of those situations where you have to go through it and come out the other side. It will not be a perfect school year – I will give you that. Your kid may encounter problems with adults, peers, or the learning itself. This is a completely normal experience for any child in school.

As mentioned before, giving yourself and your child time to transition is important. It is also important to give that teacher some time to get acquainted with your child, and to build that rapport. We are truly all figuring it out together.

If you feel called to it, I would have moments to check in with your child to to see how they are feeling about school. Talk about highlights, something that made them laugh, or something that was a struggle that day. If they are having a hard time with the transition, normalize it. These challenges will continue, and it will take some time to get acclimated to this new year, new grade level, and new experience altogether.

As I reflect on my time in the classroom, I hope that my teacher’s perspective gives you some clarity on how to navigate those first intense, wild, and school-filled weeks.

All that to say, I truly hope your child has a wonderful first day and first weeks of school.

About the author

Komal Shah is an educational consultant and thought leader on a mission to transform the world through conscious education. Having spent five years as a middle school educator with Teach For America, Komal’s passion was born from watching the broken system produce unfulfilled children. She wanted more for her students and the education system as a whole. To pursue this, Komal received her MBA at USC Marshall School of Business. Now, she brings a unique perspective and powerful approach to educational reform.

In addition to having passion for education, Komal enjoys connecting with nature, spending time with loved ones, Kundalini yoga, Bollywood dance, and curling up with a good book.

Imagine my surprise when I came to South Florida and found that children had multiple such opportunities to perform on stage, and not just through their schools, but also through local Indian associations. When my kids were young, I was introduced to IRCC (Indian Regional Cultural Center) which encourages children to perform on stage in groups. No audition necessary. Just find a group that is getting together to perform and practice with them.

A Childhood Steeped in Tradition

My children started performing in such group dances from the tender age of 4. Over the years, they danced to everything — from Bollywood hits to mythological stories, from yoga-inspired movements to colorful folk traditions. They learned:

• Bhangra
• Garba
• Raas
• Haryanvi dance
• Koli and Gondhal dances from Maharashtra
• And even an ancient Indian warrior dance!

It was incredible to see how deeply connected they became to Indian dance forms even while growing up so far away from India. The main mission of IRCC is to spread Indian culture among younger generations, and my kids experienced that very well.

Finding the Stage

As they kept preparing for this annual dance, the choreographers who taught them invariably tried to find other avenues for them to display their talent. After all, they had spent many hours over many weeks to prepare for this one 4-minute dance.

Soon, we found ourselves taking our children to perform at events hosted by organizations like:

• Association of Indians in America (AIA) Florida Chapter
• South Florida Hindu Temple
• Bengali Association of South Florida
• Maharashtra Mandal of South Florida
• Gujarati Samaj of Tampa Bay
• Sindhi Association of Florida
• Punjabi Association of South Florida
• Gujarati Society of Central Florida

Other vibrant groups — such as the Kerala Samajam of South Florida, South Florida Tamil Sangam, and Palm Beach India Association — also host wonderful cultural programs that keep our traditions alive. And that’s just a partial list!

A Growing Movement

Our experience was of course limited to South Florida and Central Florida. A quick online search reveals so many active and inspiring organizations — including Purbasha and Soorya Foundation in Georgia, Indian Friends of Atlanta, Indian Association of Charlotte, Hum Sub, Heritage India Association of North Carolina, and India Association of Greater Charleston — all promoting Indian culture and creating spaces for children to connect with their roots.

Of course, this list too is only partial; there are countless other associations doing incredible work that may not be as visible online but are equally vital in preserving our shared heritage.

It’s truly heartening to see how community organizations across the United States are literally giving children a stage to learn and showcase their culture and their roots. Watching these children dance with such grace and authenticity reminds me that no matter how far we go, our traditions travel right alongside us.

About the Author

Rema Deo is the Managing Director at 24By7Security, a Cybersecurity and Compliance Consulting firm. She lives in South Florida with her husband. A proud mother of twin boys, she is also an active member of the local Indian community.

In addition to the professional responsibilities of her function, Rema enjoys the multi-cultural aspect of the job especially as it involves learning different languages, traveling to different countries and meeting and working with people of different backgrounds and cultures. Rema is actively involved in the South Florida community and serves as a Board Member of the Indian Regional and Cultural Center, and has also served on the Board of Trustees of the North Broward Preparatory School.

Raising children is among the most noble and fulfilling responsibilities. For Hindu parents in the United States, the journey is uniquely meaningful. Living amidst the dynamics of American life while carrying forward the ancient spiritual legacy of Sanatana Dharma requires a conscious, creative approach—one that goes beyond rituals and textbooks to offer children a joyful, lived experience of dharma.

Let us explore the philosophy, practices, and challenges of Hindu parenting in America—celebrating how families are nurturing spiritually rooted, culturally aware, and morally grounded children.

Living Dharma: Parents as Role Models
Hindu parenting centers around dharma—righteous living guided by spiritual values like ahimsa (non-violence), satya (truth), karuna (compassion), and shraddha (reverence). These values are not taught through lectures but absorbed through observation.

Children imitate what they see more than what they’re told. “When parents consistently live their values—showing kindness, respecting elders, praying with devotion—children naturally internalize them.”

In the American context, where individualism and self-expression often dominate, Hindu parents strive to instill humility, gratitude, and devotion. Bedtime stories from epics like the Mahabharata or Ramayana, and sharing personal examples, are effective ways to make values relatable.

Joyful Engagement with Dharma
A common mistake in value-based parenting is reducing teachings to abstract rules. Hinduism offers rasa—emotional richness—as an antidote. Through festivals, stories, rituals, and arts, dharma becomes something children feel, not just learn.

Let children experience the joy of lighting diyas at Diwali, hear the conch shell during puja, or dress up for Navratri. Introduce Arjuna’s internal conflict instead of merely quoting the Gita. Let Nachiketa’s questions ignite curiosity. These emotional imprints create deep, lasting connections.

Adapting to Today’s World
While Sanatana Dharma is eternal, parenting must evolve with the times. Children today face influences from media, school, and peers that may undermine or misrepresent Hindu values. Rather than shielding them, Hindu parenting invites critical thinking. Encourage children to ask questions. A parent who says, “Let’s find out together,” becomes a guide rather than an authority figure.

We must also help children understand not just our tradition but how to assess what they see in popular culture. Teach discernment. Equip them to evaluate, not just consume.

Making Children Stakeholders
Children won’t care about their culture unless they see us living it joyfully. Rather than enforcing practices, ask what part of the tradition excites them. Maybe it’s Bharatanatyam, cooking festive meals, painting kolams, or playing tabla.

When children take pride in even one aspect of their heritage, it plants a seed of belonging. Over time, this seed grows into ownership—transforming cultural curiosity into committed identity.

Festivals as Cultural Anchors
Hinduism’s vibrant festivals offer a natural platform for value transmission. Diwali, Holi, Navratri, and Raksha Bandhan are full of color, music, and meaning. In the U.S., where these are not public holidays, parents play a vital role in organizing community celebrations.

Children absorb lessons in dharma through these joyful events—learning about the triumph of light over darkness, devotion, duty, and sacrifice. The rituals—rangoli making, tying rakhi, lighting lamps—become cherished memories tied to identity.

A Personal Commitment to Teaching Dharma
For my wife Aruna and me, teaching Hindu values to young children has been a deeply personal mission. Over the past ten years, we have made it a tradition to host an annual Diwali puja at our home, designed especially for children. What makes this event unique is that the children—not the adults—perform the full puja themselves. They light the diyas, chant the mantras, offer flowers, and lead the aarti, while the parents sit quietly behind them, observing with pride and reverence.

What began modestly with just 2 or 3 families has now grown into a cherished community event involving nearly 25 families. The excitement and joy it brings to the children is truly heartwarming. Each year, the puja concludes with a question-and-answer session about Hinduism, where children eagerly share what they’ve learned and ask meaningful questions about our traditions and scriptures.

What touches us most is the enthusiasm these young participants carry beyond our home. They look forward to this Diwali puja all year long, talk about it with their friends, and—on their own initiative—invite their friends and their parents to join. This celebration has become more than just a ritual; it’s a living expression of dharma, community, and joy—led by the very children we hope to inspire.

Temples and Community Support
Temples in the U.S. are more than places of worship. They serve as cultural and spiritual centers offering Sunday schools, Bal Vihar, and community events. Children learn shlokas, perform skits, and engage with peers who share their background—offering a safe space for spiritual growth.

Temples provide a place where children don’t need to explain their customs or feel “different.” They find others who fast on Janmashtami or sing bhajans with familiarity. This sense of belonging strengthens pride in their identity.

Bal Vihar: Learning with Joy and Community
Bal Vihar classes, offered by organizations like Chinmaya Mission and HSS, go beyond instruction. They bring dharma to life through stories, music, yoga, art, and discussion. Children explore values like seva (service), karma (action), and satya (truth) in ways that resonate.

Equally important is the community they build. Friendships formed in these classes become support systems through adolescence and beyond. These bonds give children a sense of cultural normalcy—and joy—in an otherwise different environment.

Education as a Sacred Path
In Hinduism, education is sacred. Goddess Saraswati is invoked before learning, and knowledge is seen as both intellectual and spiritual. Parents often support both academic excellence and enrichment in classical arts like Carnatic music, Bharatanatyam, or Sanskrit chanting.

There is also a growing encouragement to explore humanities fields like law, philosophy, and journalism—empowering children to articulate Hindu values in public forums and correct misrepresentations with clarity and confidence.

Storytelling and the Power of Epics
The Ramayana, Mahabharata, and Bhagavad Gita are rich with moral wisdom. Stories of Krishna’s guidance to Arjuna, Hanuman’s loyalty, and Sita’s strength offer insights into courage, duty, and compassion.

Instead of focusing on rote memorization, use stories to explore dilemmas children face—peer pressure, emotional conflict, or choices. Let the scriptures speak through narrative and reflection, not just repetition.

Language, Mantras, and Identity
Even a few spiritual words—like “Namaste” or “Jai Shri Krishna”—can build a deep cultural connection. Parents often teach key prayers like the Gayatri Mantra or Hanuman Chalisa, helping children link language with spiritual identity.

Understanding the meaning behind prayers turns recitation into reflection. It also offers a way to calm the mind, invoke inner strength, and feel rooted during moments of stress or confusion.

Embracing Technology Mindfully
Technology is often blamed for distraction, but it can be a bridge too. Curated content—animated Hindu stories, Gita podcasts, or interactive Sanskrit apps—can support dharmic learning. Live-streamed aartis and online classes keep traditions accessible.
Video calls with grandparents in India or watching bhajans together can create emotional connections. The key is mindful use—curating content and participating together, rather than handing over devices passively.

Building Bicultural Identity
One of the most delicate tasks Hindu parents face is helping children navigate bicultural identity. American culture values autonomy and freedom, while Hindu tradition emphasizes family, responsibility, and self-restraint.

Children may struggle with issues around dating, marriage, fasting, or faith. Instead of enforcing rules, parents must explain values, model them with love, and stay open to questions. Successful parenting balances freedom with cultural grounding.

Rediscovering Hindu Wisdom
Ironically, as Western parenting trends embrace rituals, mindfulness, and emotional well-being, many Hindu parents look West for guidance. But Hinduism already offers these treasures—daily rituals, community, meditation, and emotional regulation.

We must rediscover and reclaim our heritage—not out of fear, but with pride and joy. From singing bhajans to celebrating Diwali with friends, from temple volunteering to philosophical inquiry, our tradition offers everything children need to grow into joyful, balanced adults.

Joyful Connection Over Cultural Obligation
“Children will not love their culture because we insist—they’ll love it because it brings them joy.” Whether through Garba dancing, Kolam painting, or preparing festive foods, emotional bonding comes first. Even one joyful experience can ignite lifelong interest.

A child who loves Krishna through music or Durga through painting begins to take pride in their faith. Over time, joy matures into responsibility—and eventually, leadership.

The Role of Grandparents and Visits to India
Grandparents—Dada-Dadi and Nana-Nani—bring stories, traditions, and gentle wisdom that deepen the family’s spiritual roots. Their role in sharing stories, leading prayers, and simply being present is invaluable.

Trips to India, visits to temples, or participation in family functions offer powerful reinforcement. They help children connect with their roots in a personal, immersive way, making Hinduism real and memorable.

Giving Children Two Wings
Hindu parenting in America is a spiritual yajna—a sacred offering of time, effort, and love. It is not about rejecting modernity but grounding children so they can face the world with clarity, compassion, and strength.

“We must give our children two wings—one rooted in dharma and the other free to soar in American skies.” As the Gita says: “Uddhared atmanātmānaṁ na atmanam avasādayet”—“Elevate yourself through your own efforts.” This is our call as parents: to nurture, inspire, and elevate the next generation to carry the light of Sanatana Dharma into the future.

Conscious Parenting: A Sacred Responsibility
Parenting on the kshurasya dhara—the razor’s edge—requires careful balance. The goal is not to impose tradition but to make it irresistible through love, joy, and intention.

Let our homes echo with sacred stories and laughter. “Let our parenting become a spiritual offering—shaped by patience, humility, and grace.” In doing so, we won’t just raise good children—we’ll raise torchbearers of Sanatana Dharma.

Sadhguru ji on Parenting

In one of the powerful discourses by Sadhguru about parenting, he challenges conventional ideas of parenting, emphasizing that children “come through you, not from you.” They are not your property or legacy to mold as you wish. Treating them as such is, in his words, a “sacrilege against Creation and the Creator.” True parenting, he argues, is not about controlling or owning a child but about liberating them and respecting their individual journey.

Sadhguru calls out the hypocrisy in many parents who preach detachment according to scriptures like the Bhagavad Gita yet expect their children to be emotionally dependent on them. Instead of being a boss in the home, he suggests being a companion: “What they need is a friend, not a bloody father and mother.”

He cautions against brainwashing children into blind obedience, which only provokes rebellion. Rather, nurture their independent intelligence so they come to you not out of compulsion but out of trust. “If you bring up your child with a fierce sense of his intelligence… he will seek help because he’ll realize his understanding is not enough for everything.”

Ultimately, the responsibility lies in self-transformation. “If you want to raise children, please raise yourself,” Sadhguru advises. Children don’t follow what you say—they mirror what you do. Respect the sacred privilege of being a parent by living with authenticity, sincerity, and involvement. Parenting, he concludes, is not about raising someone to meet your expectations—but about becoming someone worth imitating.

Bk Sister Shivani ji on Parenting

Bk Sister Shivani ji, in one of her lectures, explores the profound parenting mantra: “Don’t raise your kids to have more than you had—raise them to be more than you were.” Sister Shivani explains that modern parenting often focuses on providing children with material comforts—first-class travel, air-conditioned homes, and digital gadgets—but neglects inner strength and emotional resilience. Drawing from ancient wisdom and personal stories, she emphasizes how royal children were once sent to Gurukuls to live simply, do physical chores, and grow spiritually—preparing them to rule not just kingdoms but their minds

Today, overindulgence and dependence on comforts make children emotionally weak, vulnerable to stress, and socially disconnected. Parents should prioritize spiritual and emotional strength over material success. Children must learn to adapt to different environments, interact with diverse people, and live without dependency on gadgets or luxury. Practices build inner power, like eating without screens, participating in household chores, and balancing comfort with discipline.Ultimately, true parenting is not about convenience or indulgence but about building strong, independent, and value-rooted souls. As Sister Shivani concludes, we must nurture our children for complete well-being—strong souls, healthy bodies, and harmonious relationships.

About the Author:

A software engineer by profession, Indian culture enthusiast, ardent promoter of hinduism, and a cancer survivor, Raj Shah is a managing editor of Desh-Videsh Magazine and co-founder of Desh Videsh Media Group. Promoting the rich culture and heritage of India and Hinduism has been his motto ever since he arrived in the US in 1969.

He has been instrumental in starting and promoting several community organizations such as the Indian Religious and Cultural Center and International Hindu University. Raj has written two books on Hinduism titled Chronology of Hinduism and Understanding Hinduism. He has also written several children books focusing on Hindu culture and religion.

By Dr. Meenakshi Iyer

Parenting is both a privilege and a responsibility, involving delicate balances of love, guidance, and discipline. Raising children certainly can never follow some universal manual because every family and child is unique. However, general principles and strategies—the “do’s” and “don’ts”—can help parents navigate this challenging and rewarding journey effectively.

Parenting Do’s

Show Unconditional Love

Love is the key to successful parenting. Children must understand that their love extends beyond their achievements or behavior. Express love by showering hugs, words of kind affection, and active listening.

Communicate Effectively

Encourage open and honest communication. Listen actively to your child’s concerns as well as feelings without interrupting or criticizing. This way, trust is built in the relationship, and your child feels valued.

Set Clear Boundaries

Children thrive when they understand their expectations. Set clear rules and guidelines that reflect your family values. Make sure these boundaries are age-appropriate and apply them consistently.

Encourage Independence

Let your child make decisions suitable for their age. This will give them confidence, responsibility, and problem-solving skills. Guide them but do not micromanage everything they do.

Be a Positive Role Model

Children learn more from what you do than what you say. Demonstrate kindness, patience, honesty, and respect in your actions. Be the person you want your child to become.

“Spend quality time.”

Spend quality time with your child daily, even if it is only for a few minutes. Engage in activities they enjoy, and give them your undivided attention. This strengthens your bond and creates lasting memories.

Support their passions and interests.

Get your child into activities that let him or her explore talents and interests. Whether it is painting, sports, music, or academics, show a real interest and get behind them without imposing your expectations.

Teach Emotional Intelligence

Help your child understand, express, and control their emotions. Teach your child empathy by encouraging him or her to get other people’s feelings and thoughts. Emotional intelligence is the basis for any strong relationship.

Encourage a Growth Mindset

Praise effort, perseverance, and improvement rather than focusing solely on results. Teach your child that failures and mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow.

Promote Healthy Habits

Encourage a balanced lifestyle with nutritious meals, regular physical activity, adequate sleep, and limited screen time. Model these habits to instill them in your child.

Stay involved in their education.

Involve yourself in your child’s learning life. Attend parent-teacher conferences, assist in homework, and take an interest in activities the children are doing in schools.

Teach Accountability

Give your child some age-specific jobs to do. Teach them about the consequences of their commitments. Promote accountability with regard to one’s actions.

Reward Success

Encourage your child by celebrating every milestone, whether big or small. It makes them feel better and helps them to keep on trying.

Be patient and supportive.

Parenting demands patience, especially at trying times. Realize that your child is learning and developing, and failure is a part of this.

Promote spirituality or values.

Teach your child spiritual practices or values that reflect your faith. This will help guide them on their moral direction and give them a sense of direction.

Parenting Don’ts

Do not overprotect.

Shielding your child from all challenges or failures can hinder their growth. Allow them to face difficulties and learn resilience through experience.

Avoid Comparing

Every child is unique. Comparing your child to their siblings or peers can damage their self-esteem and create unnecessary pressure. Focus on their individual strengths and progress.

Don’t Use Harsh Discipline

Avoid yelling, shaming, or physical punishment. These can hurt your child’s emotional well-being and break your relationship. Choose positive discipline techniques instead.

Do Not Neglect Self-Care

Parenting is very stressful, but neglecting your own well-being can make you burn out. This will cause physical and mental illness, making you a poor parent. Prioritize self-care.

Avoid being too critical.

Too much criticism would bring down the child’s self-esteem. It is important to provide positive feedback and prioritize solutions over fault-finding.

Do not force unrealistic expectations.

High expectations might lead to too much stress and anxiety in the child. Instead, let him or her give his or her best without any impossible expectations from your side.

Overindulgence

Giving in to every demand or excessive material possession can give way to entitlement. Teach your child the value of gratitude and earning rewards.

Don’t Diminish Their Emotions

Downplaying or diminishing your child’s feelings can lead them to feel unimportant. Acknowledge their feelings and guide them to deal with them constructively.

Don’t Be Inconsistent

Inconsistency in rules or discipline can confuse your child and erode your authority. Strive for consistency in your expectations and responses.

Don’t Ignore Warning Signs

Pay attention to changes in your child’s behavior, mood, or academic performance. These might point to underlying problems that require attention.

Don’t Micromanage

Constantly controlling every aspect of your child’s life can stifle their independence. Trust them to make age-appropriate decisions and learn from their mistakes.

Avoid neglecting quality time.

Being physically present but emotionally absent can harm your relationship. Put away distractions and engage with your child meaningfully.

Don’t Project Your Dreams

Pushing your unfulfilled ambitions onto your child can burden them unnecessarily. Support their dreams and aspirations instead of imposing your own.

Don’t Use Conditional Love

Avoid making your child feel that your love depends on their achievements or behavior. Ensure they know your love is unwavering.

Don’t Give Up During Tough Times

Parenting can be challenging, but perseverance is key. Seek support from a trusted person.

Good parenting is a constant learning, adjusting, and growth process with the child. Along with the positive times and difficulties, these do’s and don’ts may guide you through the journey to raising a happy, confident, and compassionate human being. There are no perfect parents, only loving, committed parents who strive to be their best every day.

About the Author
Dr. Meenakshi Iyer holds a Ph.D. in Psychology and is a Certified Parenting Coach with extensive expertise in family dynamics and adolescent psychology. Living in Northern California with her husband and two teenage children, she combines professional knowledge with real-life parenting insights, offering compassionate, practical approaches to raising well-rounded, resilient kids. Dr. Iyer’s work empowers parents to foster emotional intelligence, resilience, and effective communication within families. Her coaching provides tailored guidance to address the unique challenges of adolescence, equipping parents with tools to build strong, positive relationships with their children in today’s complex world.

By Dr. Meenakshi Iyer

Parenting is a journey filled with learning, patience, and moments of joy. No two children are alike, and there’s no universal manual for raising them, yet certain principles can guide us in nurturing confident, compassionate, and well-rounded individuals. Here are some fundamental parenting tips that contribute to a successful and meaningful parent-child relationship.

1. Be a role model.
Children absorb behaviors from their parents, so modeling the values you want to see in them is essential. To teach your child responsibility, demonstrate it in your actions. Use kindness, patience, and respect in your daily interactions with them and others. Simple acts like saying “please” and “thank you,” admitting mistakes, or showing resilience in difficult times all communicate powerful life lessons. When children see these qualities in you, they are more likely to replicate them naturally as they grow.

2. Set clear boundaries.
Boundaries provide children with a sense of security and clarity. Set clear, age-appropriate rules that convey the importance of structure and respect within the family and in their interactions with the outside world. Communicate boundaries in a positive and supportive manner, guiding children towards safety and respect for others, rather than limiting them. When boundaries are consistent and explained in a manner they can understand, children are more likely to respect and internalize them.

3. Be consistent.
Children need consistency to understand expectations and consequences. By consistently enforcing rules and guidelines, you provide a steady framework for their behavior, which builds a sense of accountability. Inconsistent boundaries can lead to confusion, as children might not be sure if a rule applies on a given day. Make sure everyone involved in caregiving—parents, grandparents, and other family members—is on the same page regarding rules and discipline, ensuring consistency and clarity for the child.

4. Listen to Your Child
Listening is fundamental to building trust and connection with your child. It may sound simple, but active listening involves more than just hearing words. Give your child undivided attention, make eye contact, and respond empathetically to demonstrate your value for their thoughts and emotions. When they feel heard, children are more likely to open up about their experiences and trust you as a source of guidance. Validating their feelings doesn’t mean agreeing with every sentiment but rather acknowledging their emotions as real and important.

5. Make Quality Time a Priority
It can be hard to find uninterrupted time to spend with your kids in a busy world, but it’s one of the best investments. Simple activities, like playing a game, reading a book together, going for a walk, or even cooking, allow you to bond while creating lasting memories. It’s not about how much time you spend, but the quality of the interaction that counts. Be present in these moments; put aside devices and distractions to engage with your child fully, making them feel loved and valued.

6. Avoid harsh discipline.
Discipline is essential in parenting, but harsh tactics can do more harm than good. Studies have shown that excessive punishment may lead to resentment, reduced self-esteem, or even behavioral issues. Instead of shouting or using punitive measures, try using positive discipline techniques that focus on teaching rather than punishing. Encourage open communication about what went wrong and discuss how they can make better choices in the future. This approach strengthens your bond and fosters respect rather than fear.

7. Catch them being good.
It’s straightforward to focus on correcting mistakes, but make a conscious effort to acknowledge when your child is doing well. Recognize and praise positive behavior, whether they’re sharing with a friend, following instructions, or showing kindness. Celebrating small successes reinforces beneficial behavior and motivates them to continue making positive choices. A simple “I’m proud of you for sharing” or “Thank you for listening” can boost their confidence and reinforce the values you wish to instill.

8. Give them responsibility.
Children thrive when given a sense of purpose and responsibility appropriate to their age and developmental stage. Starting with small tasks, like picking up their toys or setting the table, can instill a sense of accomplishment and self-reliance. As they grow, gradually increase the responsibilities, encouraging them to take ownership of their actions and contributions to the family. Responsibilities teach children about teamwork, accountability, and the importance of completing tasks, helping them develop practical skills that serve them throughout life.

9. Teach gratitude.
Gratitude fosters contentment and a positive outlook. Teach your child to be thankful by showing them how to appreciate both big and small things in life. Encourage them to say thank you regularly, appreciate gifts, and be mindful of the people and things they have. Practicing gratitude could be as simple as discussing one thing they’re thankful for each day. These moments of reflection help them develop a mindset that values kindness, generosity, and humility.

10. Encourage physical activity.
Physical activity is vital for a child’s physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Encouraging them to be active not only keeps them healthy but also helps them develop motor skills, teamwork, and discipline. Find activities that align with their interests, whether it’s a sport, dance class, or family hikes. Active playtime also provides an excellent opportunity for parents to bond with their kids, contributing to their overall development in a fun and engaging way.

11. Encourage curiosity and learning.
Children are naturally curious; nurturing that curiosity is essential. Encourage them to ask questions, explore new activities, and pursue subjects that interest them. Be involved in their learning journey, whether through reading together, conducting simple science experiments, or discussing their interests. Foster an environment where they feel safe to express their ideas and explore the world around them. Cultivating curiosity lays the foundation for a lifelong love of learning and discovery.

12. Promote emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence is as important as academic success. Teach your child to recognize and manage their emotions by talking openly about feelings. Help them understand that it’s okay to feel a wide range of emotions and teach them ways to cope, such as taking deep breaths or talking about what’s bothering them. Encouraging emotional literacy allows children to become empathetic, self-aware individuals who can handle challenges and express themselves in healthy ways.
13. Boost Your Child’s Self-Esteem
A child’s self-esteem begins developing in infancy, shaped largely by how they perceive themselves through their parents’ actions and expressions. Every tone of voice, body language, and facial expression sends cues that influence their self-worth. Positive reinforcement, such as praising achievements—no matter how small—makes them feel proud, while encouraging independence helps them develop a sense of capability and strength. On the other hand, criticism or unfavorable comparisons can harm a child’s self-esteem, making them feel inadequate. Avoid using harsh words or phrases that belittle, such as comments like “What a stupid thing to do!” can inflict emotional damage akin to physical harm. Instead, choose words with compassion, reminding them that everyone makes mistakes. Remind them that their love and self-worth are unconditional, regardless of any shortcomings in their behavior.

14. Show That Your Love Is Unconditional
While guiding children and correcting their behavior is an essential part of parenting, the way you communicate this guidance can greatly affect how they receive it. Avoid blame, criticism, or fault-finding that may damage their self-esteem and breed resentment. Instead, focus on nurturing and encouragement, even in moments of discipline. When you address mistakes, emphasize that while you expect better choices next time, your love for them remains unchanged. Remind them that your love is unconditional and not contingent on their actions, thereby reaffirming their value and cherished status, even in times of failure. This approach helps build a secure foundation for their emotional resilience and trust in the parent-child bond.

15. Be flexible and willing to adjust your parenting style.
Parenting is a dynamic journey that requires flexibility and a willingness to adapt. If you frequently feel “let down” by your child’s actions, consider examining your expectations to ensure they align with your child’s age and developmental stage. Rigidly holding onto “shoulds”—like thinking, “My child should be reading by now”—can lead to frustration for both of you. Staying informed about child development and seeking advice from other parents or professionals can provide valuable perspective. Additionally, small environmental adjustments, like child-proofing areas for a toddler who’s exploring, can reduce conflict and help create a smoother day-to-day routine. As children grow, adapting your approach is essential; what works with a young child may not suit a teenager. With adolescents especially, they may rely less on parents and more on peers, but your continued guidance, encouragement, and boundaries remain crucial. Be open to these changes and seize opportunities to connect, fostering trust and support as they grow toward independence.

16. Know your own needs and limitations as a parent.
Parenting can be challenging, and acknowledging your limitations is a vital step in creating a healthy family environment. No parent is perfect, so it’s essential to recognize both your strengths, like patience or dedication, and areas for improvement, such as consistency with discipline. Set realistic expectations for yourself, your partner, and your children; you don’t have to have all the answers. Self-compassion is key. Rather than attempting to tackle every parenting challenge at once, focus on the most pressing needs and work gradually. When you feel overwhelmed, give yourself permission to step back and recharge—taking time for activities that make you content isn’t selfish; it’s necessary. By caring for your own well-being, you’re also modeling self-respect and balance for your children, showing them that taking care of oneself is part of a healthy, fulfilling life.

17. Cultivate patience
Parenting requires patience, especially when dealing with difficult situations or behaviors. Demonstrating patience helps your child learn the value of staying calm under pressure. If they make a mistake, offer guidance gently and patiently rather than reacting out of frustration. When they see you handling situations calmly, they learn to approach challenges with the same poise, which aids in their emotional and social development.

18. Encourage open communication.
Creating an environment where children feel comfortable talking about anything fosters a close and trusting relationship. Encourage open dialogue, where they can share their thoughts, ask questions, and express their opinions without fear of judgment. Let them know they can come to you with any issue regardless of size. When children feel safe expressing themselves, they’re more likely to seek your guidance and develop the confidence to communicate openly with others.

19. Treat Your Child with Respect
Treating your child with respect establishes a positive and trusting relationship, as respect is reciprocal. Speak to them kindly, listen attentively, and consider their opinions and feelings, even if you don’t always agree. Avoid belittling or dismissive comments; instead, acknowledge their thoughts and show empathy, as this helps them feel valued and understood. Respecting your child’s autonomy as they grow, such as allowing them to make age-appropriate choices, also reinforces their confidence and independence. When you model respectful behavior, you teach them how to treat others with kindness and understanding, fostering respect as a natural, reciprocal part of their interactions with others.

20. Be Involved in Your Child’s Life
Being an active presence in your child’s life is one of the most meaningful ways to support their growth and development. This means not only attending school events or sports games but also taking an interest in their hobbies, friendships, and daily experiences. Ask questions, share in their achievements, and lend an empathetic ear when they face challenges. Engaging in their lives provides valuable insight into their world, enhancing your understanding of their needs and perspectives. Your involvement cultivates a sense of belonging and connection, reassuring your child of your value and your readiness to support and celebrate their journey. This strong foundation of involvement and presence helps your child feel secure, loved, and supported as they navigate their own path.
Let me conclude my article by summarizing secrets for effective parenting. Successful parenting is about finding the right balance between guidance, love, and trust. While these tips provide a framework, remember that every child is unique, and adapting your approach to their individual needs is key. By being a positive role model, setting boundaries with love, listening actively, and nurturing their growth, you provide a foundation that empowers your child to grow into a well-rounded and resilient individual. Embrace the journey, celebrate the little moments, and continue learning together.

About the Author

Dr. Meenakshi Iyer holds a Ph.D. in Psychology and is a Certified Parenting Coach with extensive expertise in family dynamics and adolescent psychology. Living in Northern California with her husband and two teenage children, she combines professional knowledge with real-life parenting insights, offering compassionate, practical approaches to raising well-rounded, resilient kids. Dr. Iyer’s work empowers parents to foster emotional intelligence, resilience, and effective communication within families. Her coaching provides tailored guidance to address the unique challenges of adolescence, equipping parents with tools to build strong, positive relationships with their children in today’s complex world.

Have you ever felt like you’re in a never-ending battle trying to get your kids to put down their screens or say no to junk food? You know it isn’t great for them, but when you try to set some limits, all hell breaks loose! And then, not only are you dealing with a full-blown meltdown, but you’re also left feeling like a crappy parent and secretly wondering if your kids are out to get you. Trust me, if you’ve been there, you’re definitely not the only one!

The good news is that establishing and enforcing boundaries can help you navigate these challenges and restore harmony in your household. When you implement boundaries correctly, it’s not just about resolving the immediate conflict; it’s also an incredible opportunity to help your kids build resilience.

To create effective boundaries, it is essential to first clearly define our role and our children’s role within the family structure. As parents, it’s our role to ensure our children’s safety, and our age and experience equip us to fulfill this crucial role. Our children’s primary role is to communicate their emotions freely with us. Once we grasp these distinct roles, the process of setting and maintaining boundaries becomes more straightforward and intuitive.

When setting a boundary, one key thing to remember is that your boundaries shouldn’t depend on your kids doing anything. There’s a big difference between making requests and setting boundaries. When you make a request, your kids might go along with it, or they may not. But boundaries? They’re different. Boundaries are all about you taking action, not waiting for your child to do something.

Let’s say you want your kid to stop watching TV because they’ve already reached the daily limit you’ve set. The way to enforce this boundary is by turning off the TV or taking the remote and turning it off yourself. Repeatedly asking your child to turn off the TV is about as effective as trying to convince a squirrel to give up its acorn stash – it’s a losing battle that will likely lead to frustration and tension for both of you.

When you turn off the TV, brace yourself for a rollercoaster of emotions from your kids. They might get upset, mad, or sad. You might hear them crying, screaming, or complaining. And here’s where you have to step up and do something crucial: validate their emotions. Let them know that what they’re feeling is totally normal and that you’re there to support them.

You might say something like, “I know you didn’t want the TV to be turned off. I bet you’re pretty upset right now, and I totally get it. I’d probably feel the same way if I were in your shoes. It seems awful, but we can’t watch any more TV.” This step is super important because we want our kids to know that their feelings cannot override the boundary, and the boundary cannot invalidate their feelings. This is also a step that most parents struggle with.

It is difficult for parents to offer support to their kids when they are experiencing difficult emotions. They usually react in one of two ways: either they tell their kid they’re overreacting and dismiss the emotion, or they give in to avoid the meltdown. Sound familiar? Throughout history and in numerous societies, challenging emotions have often been deemed unacceptable or have been suppressed. Our society has had a low tolerance for anything other than happiness and positivity.

When we struggle to listen to our kids or acknowledge their challenging emotions, it can lead them down two paths. Some kids learn to lash out or become aggressive when they’re feeling big feelings. They might explode because, deep down, they feel unheard and unseen, and that unmet need for validation pushes them to the brink.

On the flip side, other kids who don’t feel seen and heard might learn to shut down and bottle everything up. They start to believe that the only way to get attention and approval is by hiding their true feelings and just going along with whatever they’re told. They become little people-pleasers, always putting on a happy face even when they’re hurting inside.

If we really think about it, neither of these outcomes is what we waSetting boundaries for kids, Screen time limits for children, Managing children’s screen time, Junk food limits for kids, Enforcing boundaries with children, Effective parenting strategies, Children’s emotional resiliencent for our children as they grow up and become adults. We don’t want them to be aggressive and explosive, but we also don’t want them to be pushovers who never speak their truth. It’s a tough balance, but it all starts with making sure our kids feel heard and validated, even when their emotions are intense or uncomfortable for us to deal with.

Every time you set a clear boundary and stick to it while acknowledging your child’s feelings, you give them a little mental workout. They’re learning that they can handle disappointment, frustration, or anger without falling apart. They’re discovering that their emotions, even the tough ones, are valid and manageable.

Over time, these small moments of emotional resilience start to add up. Your kids begin to develop a stronger sense of self, knowing that they can navigate life’s challenges with the tools you’ve given them. They learn to face their feelings head-on rather than shying away from them or letting them take over.

So, while enforcing boundaries might feel like a battle in the moment, it’s really a gift in disguise. You’re not just solving a problem; you’re helping your children build the mental strength and emotional agility they’ll need to thrive in the long run. And that’s a pretty amazing thing!

About the Author

Namitha Raju is a Certified Master Parent Coach. She coaches parents to develop deep connections and peace in their relationships with their kids. Her company, Beautiful Bonds, is based on the principle that emotional growth, healthy relationships, and personal transformation are the keys to fulfilling parenthood. Dr. Raju received a Ph.D. in Psychology, where she studied early development. As a mom of two kids, she found that her academic experience couldn’t rescue her from her day-to-day parenting challenges! Her curiosity led her to garner the expertise necessary to inculcate deep connections between parent and child. She serves parents virtually throughout the US. If you would like to find out more, please visit https://beautifulbonds.me.

Here is a complete guide on how to foster resilience in your child.

1. Build a Strong Emotional Connection
   A strongemotional bond with a caregiver provides a foundation for resilience. When children feel loved, valued, and understood, they develop the confidence to tackle life’s challenges. Spend quality time with your child, listen actively, and validate their feelings. Encourage open communication by being approachable and empathetic. Knowing that they have a secure base to return to empowers children to take risks and face difficulties.
2. Teach problem-solving skills.
   Life will throw obstacles in your way and teach your child how to tackle them, so resilience becomes the cornerstone of the teaching process. Teach them to think critically, letting them consider all possible solutions to a problem. For example, if they’re having trouble with a school project, encourage them to brainstorm how to solve it rather than just giving them the answer. It builds confidence and independence.
3. Develop a growth mindset
   Children who are resilient believe that they can develop their abilities through effort and perseverance. Psychologist Carol Dweck popularized this “growth mindset,” which stands in contrast to a fixed mindset that views abilities as static. Praise your child’s efforts rather than their innate abilities. For example, say, “You worked really hard on that math problem” instead of “You’re so smart.” This helps them view challenges as opportunities for growth rather than as insurmountable barriers.
4. Support healthy risk-taking.
   One of the most significant components of building resilience is taking risks. Challenge your child to do something outside their comfort zone or try something new or different. It may be joining a sports team, auditioning for the school play, or speaking in front of the class. All these experiences help children learn to cope with fear and uncertainty. Success builds confidence, while failure teaches them perseverance and recovery.
5. Set a positive model for your child.
   Children learn resilience by observing how their parents handle adversity. Model positive coping strategies, such as keeping a sense of humor under pressure, remaining calm, or seeking support as needed. Share stories of challenges you faced and how you overcame them. Demonstrating resilience in your own life gives your child something to emulate.
6. Encourage Emotional Regulation
   Emotional regulation is one of the crucial resilience components—the ability to regulate and respond to emotions in a healthy manner. Educate your child in the use of techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or journaling that help them cope with stress. Help your child recognize and voice his or her emotions, which assists in build self-awareness and lower the potential for an emotional explosion.
7. Relationship significance.
   Strong social relationships form the foundation of resilience. Educate your child on how to form and maintain a positive relationship with family, friends, teachers, and the community. Instruct them to understand empathy, cooperation, and effective communication. A close support network supplies emotional resources for children to handle challenging times.
8. Nurture Optimism
   Resilience closely correlates with optimism—the conviction that problems are transient and surmountable. Teach your child to focus on solutions rather than dwelling on problems. You can help your child reinterpret negative experiences by asking questions like, “What did you learn from this?” or “What can you do differently next time?” As this process evolves, it tends to foster a hopeful and action-oriented attitude.
9. Give them a chance to fail.
   Failure is part of life. It is very natural and also valuable. Not letting your child fail can make him feel some temporary comfort, but it denies him the ability to be resilient. Allow your child to experience some failure and let him go through all the emotions involved with the outcome. Remind him that failure does not diminish his value; rather, it serves as a catalyst for personal development.
10. We should encourage independence and responsibility.
    Resilience grows when children feel capable and in control of their lives. Provide opportunities for independence that match the child’s age, like allowing them to choose their activities or responsibilities. Increase responsibility through tasks such as household chores or management of their own schoolwork. This will increase a sense of responsibility and self-efficacy.
11. Teach the Value of Gratitude
    Gratitude develops a positive attitude and builds confidence. Urge your child to focus on what is already there rather than what is missing. Establish some family traditions, like having gratitude at dinner time or keeping a gratitude journal. Encourage children to recognize the good in life so they develop a balanced perspective and sense of plenty even in difficult times.
12. Provide opportunities for mastery.
    Mastery over any kind of skill, be it playing some instrument, being a talented sportsperson, or solving a more complex puzzle, boosts self-esteem and resilience. Provide opportunities for your child to acquire competency in those areas that he is interested in. Acknowledge his progress and remind him that the victory of mastery requires patience and endeavor.
13. Balanced structure and flexibility
    Children need routine to be safe, but they also need room for change. Set up regular patterns, but allow your child to have some leeway in case a spontaneity moment occurs. For example, if the rain cancels a planned activity, engage your child in brainstorming activities for the evening. This will teach him to master interruptions instead of letting them derail him.
14. Connect your child to nature.
    Research shows that exposure to nature reduces the stress level and raises the level of well-being. Support activities such as hiking, gardening, or just playing in the park. Nature will provide an atmosphere for your children to calm down and learn a perspective of things in life.
15. Get Professional Help When Necessary
    Sometimes, even with your utmost efforts, your child may encounter overwhelming challenges. Seeking help from a counselor, therapist, or psychologist is a sign of strength, not weakness. These professionals can provide tools and strategies tailored to your child’s unique needs, helping them build resilience in a supportive and constructive environment.

Providing a child with the necessary tools to confront life’s challenges is more important than shielding them from them. In building emotional connections, teaching them how to problem-solve, and modeling resilience, you will give your child the foundation to succeed in an unpredictable world. After all, it is a journey, not a destination. Patiently, lovingly, and guiding, you can enable your child to gain the inner strength to overcome all challenges and lead his life contentedly.

About the Author

Dr. Meenakshi Iyer holds a Ph.D. in Psychology and is a Certified Parenting Coach with extensive expertise in family dynamics and adolescent psychology. Living in Northern California with her husband and two teenage children, she combines professional knowledge with real-life parenting insights, offering compassionate, practical approaches to raising well-rounded, resilient kids. Dr. Iyer’s work empowers parents to foster emotional intelligence, resilience, and effective communication within families. Her coaching provides tailored guidance to address the unique challenges of adolescence, equipping parents with tools to build strong, positive relationships with their children in today’s complex world.

We have grown up in a culture where respecting elders for their wisdom and maturity seems paramount and it’s an expectation firmly established in our subconscious. This established hierarchy can make apologizing or repairing a rupture with our kids difficult. Moreover, for most parents who did not receive apologies from their parents, it’s unclear why and how to make amends. 

Most conscious parents do apologize if they realize that they are at fault. That’s a great practice to repair a rupture. It shows kids that there is nothing wrong with apologizing. It also teaches them that everyone makes mistakes and mistakes aren’t the end of the world. Kids also feel valued when parents take the time and effort to apologize to them, showing them that their relationship matters. Further, it restores confidence in kids that fairness is independent of age. 

We all recognize that our kids are developmentally less mature than us so it’s likely that they will make more mistakes than us. However, when they do make those mistakes and create a rupture, a lot of the time, we end up escalating and widening that rupture! Of course, when kids make a mistake or violate a boundary, if parents can stay calm and regain their connection with their kids, that’s the best-case scenario. But the majority of the time, when kids violate a boundary or are disrespectful, our ‘normal’ reaction is to lose our cool and yell, blame, or shame our kids for their mistakes. This is because our entire generation and the generations before us have been raised without emotion regulation skills. We are so focused on how wrong our kid’s behavior is that our harsh reaction seems justified. 

Let’s go over this with an example: Imagine that you bought your child a Christmas gift and your child upon opening the gift said, “This is such a lame gift. I hate it”. Hearing this can activate you and you might react with something like, “You know what … you are so ungrateful. You don’t deserve any Christmas gift!” And your kid (who is also activated) in turn, may scream, “I don’t care.” and stomp out of that space. This reaction further aggravates parents because parents feel that not only are their kids not able to see the mistake they made, but they are further arguing or shutting themselves down instead of facing it and expressing their mistake. 

As parents, we are all familiar with this kind of disconnection from our kids. So the question is how do we handle it? Most parents feel lost and confused at this point. These are the times we feel that we are not good parents. And while we suffer from disconnection, frustration, and disappointment with our kid, here’s what’s going on with our kid. 

Our kid is also in a state of acute distress because their parent made them feel that they were disappointing and not good enough. How does a kid traverse this difficult terrain to come back to feeling safe? The most common strategy that kids use at a time like this is self-blame. Even though they may outwardly express acute anguish against their parents, subconsciously, they self-blame. Self-blame is an adaptive strategy because internalizing flaws and wrongdoing allows them to feel safe. How is that? For kids to feel safe, they have to believe that they are in safe hands. Since kids are under their parent’s shelter and care, they subconsciously accept that their parents are right about them as flawed. Because if they believe that their parents are wrong, then how can they continue to survive in an unsafe place? While self-blame helps kids move through childhood, it starts hurting them in adulthood. Core beliefs such as ‘I am not good enough’, and ‘I am not lovable’, impede our kids from exploring their full potential. None of us want that for our kids. 

Now what can we do to help our kids change that internal story? And how do we teach them what is the right behavior and what is not? We start by first bringing ourselves to a place of calm. If we rush to restore the connection with our kid without fully calming ourselves first, we can experience a push and pull within where we want to restore connection but are not able to overcome being upset with our child’s response. This is when a parent may say, “I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did, had you been more considerate”. Such a response continues to shame the kids and will not elicit any repair. 

It’s possible to calm ourselves fully when we change the story we are telling us about ourselves. You can remind yourself that the story of  ‘I am not a good parent’ isn’t true. The true story is that I am disappointed with the harsh way I reacted to my child and this behavior doesn’t define me nor does my child’s behavior define my child. Bringing some objectivity helps us view the story differently. It can help us tap into some self-compassion.  

Once we feel calm, we can acknowledge to our child how we feel about reacting harshly towards them. You can admit, “I am sorry I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. Your response to my gift hurt me but that doesn’t justify my reaction. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. And you are not at fault for how I reacted.” Saying this teaches our kids how our harsh reaction was a problem behavior and it’s not okay. It also shows our love and vulnerability, helping them replace their inner story of self-blame with a story of support and self-trust. 

Personally, in my experience, the majority of the times that I’ve initiated such a repair, my kids have also reflected on their behavior and apologized even though the intention was not to make them apologize! Believe me, their reaction to your apology is worth a million bucks! Ultimately, the goal is to feel a restored connection with our child. When you and your kid are calm, you can also lovingly collaborate with your kid on what kind of a response can serve both you and your child, in case a similar future incident arises. Collaborating and making a plan for the future teaches them acceptable behaviors. 

As conscious parents, we try to do the best we can and often our best is not good enough. We may end up saying or doing things we shouldn’t do to our kids. So, instead of beating ourselves or our kids over it, we can initiate the repair and restore love and connection.  

About the Author

Namitha Raju is a Certified Master Parent Coach. She coaches parents to develop deep connections and peace in their relationships with their kids. Her company, Beautiful Bonds, is based on the principle that emotional growth, healthy relationships, and personal transformation are the keys to fulfilling parenthood. Dr. Raju received a Ph.D. in Psychology, where she studied early development. As a mom of two kids, she found that her academic experience couldn’t rescue her from her day-to-day parenting challenges! Her curiosity led her to garner the expertise necessary to inculcate deep connections between parent and child. She serves parents virtually throughout the US. If you would like to find out more, please visit https://beautifulbonds.me.

As the world becomes increasingly interconnected and diverse, it is important to examine the factors that contribute to academic success in different cultural groups. One group that consistently outperforms their peers in academics is Indian-American students. These students have been shown to excel in various subjects such as mathematics, science, and language arts, often earning top honors and recognition in prestigious academic competitions. So, what is the secret behind their academic success? Let us delve into the power of cultural heritage and explore the reasons why Indian-American students thrive in their studies.

Unveiling the Achievement Gap: A Look at Performance Metrics

As we seek to understand the academic success of Indian-American students, it is essential to unveil the achievement gap and examine the performance metrics. Studies have consistently shown that Indian-American students consistently outperform their peers in various academic subjects. When compared to other cultural groups, they often exhibit higher test scores, GPAs, and graduation rates. This remarkable academic performance cannot be attributed solely to individual ability or intelligence but rather indicates a larger trend within the Indian-American community. By delving into the performance metrics, we can gain valuable insights into the factors that contribute to their success. These metrics allow us to analyze the specific areas where Indian-American students excel. It is through a detailed examination of these performance metrics that we can better understand the underlying factors behind their achievements.

Key Factors Behind Indian-American Students’ Performance

The academic success of Indian-American kids can be attributed to some common factors that contribute to the strong academic performance of many Indian-American kids, including:

• Emphasis on Education: Many Indian-American families place a high value on education and see it as a pathway to success. Parents often encourage their children to excel in school and pursue higher education.
• Cultural Background: Indian culture traditionally values learning and knowledge. This cultural background can influence Indian-American children to have a strong work ethic and motivation to do well in school.
• Family Support: Indian-American families often provide a supportive environment for their children’s education. Parents may be actively involved in their children’s academic lives, offering guidance, tutoring, and resources.
• High Expectations: Parents and communities often have high expectations for Indian-American children, which can motivate them to work harder and achieve academic success.
• Cultural and Community Resources: Indian-American communities often have resources such as cultural organizations, tutors, and educational programs that can support children’s learning.
• Peer Influence: Positive peer pressure from other high-achieving Indian-American students can motivate children to excel academically.
• Access to Quality Education: Many Indian-American families prioritize living in areas with good school systems, which can contribute to their children’s academic success.
• Work Ethic: Indian-American children are often taught the value of hard work and discipline from a young age, which can translate into strong study habits and academic achievement.

Let us talk about a couple of specific factors that may contribute to the high academic achievement of Indian-American kids. One is that they are more likely to have two-parent households. According to a study by the Pew Research Center, 75% of Indian-American children live with both of their biological parents, compared to 50% of all children in the United States. Having two parents in the home can provide children with more emotional and financial support, which can help them succeed in school.

Another reason Indian-American kids do better in school is that most parents are well educated. According to a recent study, 82% of Indian-American adults have a bachelor’s degree or higher, compared to 31% of all U.S. adults. This high level of educational attainment is likely due to a number of factors, including the cultural emphasis on education in Indian culture, the high value placed on higher education by Indian immigrants, and the fact that many Indian-American families have the financial resources to support their children’s education.

Additionally, Indian-American students often benefit from cultural expectations and pressure to succeed academically. These expectations can be a driving force behind their exceptional performance as they strive to meet and exceed their parents’ and community’s expectations.

Furthermore, Indian-American students tend to have a strong work ethic and dedication to their studies. They are often highly motivated and demonstrate a high level of discipline and commitment when it comes to their academic pursuits. This commitment, coupled with their intellectual curiosity and thirst for knowledge, allows them to excel in various subjects.

Overall, the key factors behind Indian-American students’ performance include a strong support system at home, cultural expectations and pressure, and a strong work ethic and dedication to their studies.

Here is some research data on how Indian-American kids have done better in this study:

• According to a 2019 study by the National Center for Education Statistics, Indian-American students are more likely to graduate from high school (97%) and college (70%) than all students nationwide (85% and 41%, respectively).
• Indian-American students also tend to score higher on standardized tests than their peers. For example, on the 2018 SAT, Indian-American students scored an average of 1181 in math and 1187 in reading, compared to 521 and 533 for all students nationwide.
• These trends are reflected in the academic performance of Indian-American students in college. For example, a 2018 study by the Pew Research Center found that Indian-American students are more likely to graduate from college with honors (35%) than all students nationwide (23%).
  
  

Here are some additional insights into the success of Indian-American kids.

• Indian-American parents place a high value on education and invest heavily in their children’s academic success.
• Many Indian-American families participate in extracurricular activities and enrichment programs that help their children develop their skills and talents.
• Indian-American communities have a strong network of mentors and role models who support and encourage young people to pursue their academic goals.

Let me cite some specific examples of how Indian-American kids have done better in comparison to their peers in spelling bees, math competitions, and Intel Science competitions.

Spelling bees:

Since the year 1999, Indian Americans have come to dominate the Scripps National Spelling Bee, with an astounding 27 champions hailing from the Indian-American community.

In 2021, two-thirds of the semifinalists were of Indian American descent, at least nine of the 11 finalists were of Indian American descent, and all three finalists in the National Spelling Bee were Indian-Americans.

In 2019, Scripps named eight winners for the cup—”octochamps,” they coined themselves. Seven of the 2019 champions were of Indian descent.

• Almost 30 percent of qualifiers in 2021 were Indian Americans, which is 5 percent more than their share in 2017.

 Math competitions:

• In 2022, Indian American students made up 39% of the participants and 46% of the winners of the USA Mathematical Olympiad (USAMO).
• Indian American students also performed well in the 2022 International Mathematical Olympiad (IMO), winning 4 out of 6 gold medals for the United States team.
•  In 2022, the United States team for the International Mathematical Olympiad was made up entirely of Indian-American students.
• Indian-American students have won the Math Olympiad more than any other group of students.
  
• Indian-American students have also won the Putnam Mathematical Competition a record number of times.

Intel Science competitions:

In 2023, Indian American students won 14 of the 20 top prizes at the Intel Science Talent Search, including the top prize of $100,000. This was the fourth year in a row that Indian American students had won the top prize at the Intel Science Talent Search.

• Indian American students make up about 20% of the participants in the Intel Science Talent Search, but they win over 50% of the top prizes.

• Indian-American students have won the Intel International Science and Engineering Fair more than any other group of students.
• In 2022, the top three winners of the Intel International Science and Engineering Fair were all Indian-American students.
• Indian-American students have also won the Intel Science Talent Search a record number of times.

Strategies Adopted by Indian-American Families to Encourage Education

Pretty, young , smiling African man in formalwear using his laptop while leaning at bar ..

“Indian-American families have implemented various strategies to foster a culture of education and encourage academic success in their children. One of the key strategies is creating a supportive environment at home. These families provide a quiet study space, necessary materials, and resources to help their children thrive in their studies. ”

They also establish daily routines and schedules that prioritize study time, ensuring that their children develop good study habits and consistency.

Indian-American parents actively engage with their children’s education by attending parent-teacher meetings, staying informed about their child’s progress, and regularly communicating with teachers. This involvement helps to monitor their child’s academic performance and provide any necessary support or intervention.

Another strategy is the encouragement of extracurricular activities that complement academic learning. Indian-American families understand the importance of a well-rounded education and often encourage their children to participate in activities such as music, art, sports, or community service. This holistic approach helps develop diverse skills, promotes creativity, and enhances personal growth.

In conclusion, Indian-American students have done well in school for a number of reasons, including their strong family support, access to high-performing schools, and academic support networks. 

“It’s crucial for parents to be mindful of the potential negative consequences of excessive pressure. Every child is different, and the focus should be on nurturing their overall well-being and helping them discover their own path in life. The parents also need to realize that just because you are a doctor or engineer your kids do not have to become doctors or engineers.”

About the Author

Professor Rohini Pandit is a renowned expert in family relations and parenting. She has been teaching at the University of Chicago for over 20 years, and her courses are consistently among the most popular in the department. Professor Pandit is known for his engaging and informative lectures, as well as her deep understanding of the complex dynamics of family life.

Professor Pandit is also a passionate advocate for family support programs and services. Professor Pandit’s work has had a significant impact on the field of family relations and parenting. Her research and teaching have helped to shape our understanding of how families work and how to support them.

By Dr. Namitha Raju

You walk into your home and see your kids screaming and fighting with each other. What do you do? Do you feel numb and walk away or do you scream at them and ask them to cut it out? Or do you take turns going close to each of them, asking them to share what’s going on? There is no right or wrong answer! What you do depends on the survival strategy your autonomic nervous system adopts at that moment. Surprisingly, the logical brain doesn’t have much say here. To understand how and why we react the way we do, we need to understand our autonomic nervous system’s survival mechanisms.  

Let me give a brief historical overview of how our autonomic nervous system evolved that can potentially shed some more light on our behaviors. About 500 million years ago, some life forms developed a new operational state called the Dorsal Vagal State. This state engages a survival mechanism where a being totally immobilizes, disconnects, or collapses. This mechanism was efficient because it conserved energy. To understand this visually, think of a turtle that disappears into its shell when it senses a threat and stays there until it feels safe again. Then over time, around 400 million years ago, another survival mechanism emerged with the evolution of the Sympathetic State. This mechanism had an entirely reverse strategy – to send energy to mobilize the being to fight or to flee! This was also a very useful protective mechanism.  Finally, around 200 million years ago, another survival mechanism called the Ventral Vagal system developed. It was unique only to mammals and was based on social connection. This survival system relied on co-regulation or connection between beings for survival. Each of us has these survival strategies built in to face threats and we use these survival techniques based on the intensity and nature of the threat. 

To explain this a little better, I will use a simplistic analogy that can help you visualize the concept. Consider a building with two floors and an underground bunker. The topmost floor (Ventral Vagal State) is the place from where you have a better view of your surroundings, it’s the place where you carry out your day-to-day activities, you connect with others through social gatherings, meetings, and negotiations; and it’s a place where the world looks welcoming and you feel alive, hopeful, and creative. However, when you experience a threat that cannot be managed by staying on the topmost floor, you step down to the lower floor. Let’s say you see smoke coming from below. You are going to spring into action (Sympathetic State), getting down to see if you can manage it (fight response). If it’s serious, you might even leave the building (flee response). However, let’s say instead of the fire the threat was a catastrophic tornado coming your way and you can’t possibly run from it. That’s when you step further down into the bunker (Dorsal Vagal State) and disconnect yourself from the outside world to keep yourself safe. As you can see, every state provides a functional strategy, depending on the intensity of the threat.

Now, in the example mentioned at the start, a parent will react to the sibling fight based on their perception of how threatened they feel in that situation. One could either move to the Dorsal Vagal state with total disconnect and a numbing response, move to a Sympathetic state with screaming or threatening, or move to the Ventral Vagal state by trying to talk to each of the kids.  Our nervous system is incessantly gauging threats within us and around us, to make sure we are in a state of safety. This process of gauging safety is called neuroception.  And how do we define this safety? Does safety simply mean being away from physical harm? No! Seeing someone’s face or hearing someone’s voice who has not been nice to you can be perceived as a threat! It can take someone from their Ventral Vagal state of social engagement to their Sympathetic state of fight or flight. It’s not uncommon for kids to perceive their parents as a threat if there is a history of parents blaming or shaming their kids. This is a difficult-to-process truth that is not easy for parents to recognize. 

Now, here is where it gets complicated: if we accept that all our behaviors are a result of our biology, then when a parent screams and criticizes his/her kids constantly, we can understand that it’s coming from a place where the parent is seeking safety. Parents scream with the intention of eliminating the perceived threat they experience when they hear or see something they dislike. The downside of this is that the parent’s behavior creates a totally unsafe environment for the kid! So how can this be reconciled? 

Reconciliation is possible when we learn the skill of pausing and observing what’s going on within us. It’s helpful to do a self-check to see where we are as described in the building analogy; on the first floor or the bunker? Learning about our own biology can be helpful to recognize that during difficult moments, the angry thoughts or the resigning thoughts that come to us are our nervous system’s way of protecting us and it doesn’t mean anything about our ability to parent. This objective observation helps us bring some self-compassion for ourselves. This could take seconds, minutes, or hours depending on which autonomic survival state we are sheltered within. With self-compassion, we can start to feel calm and we can start to build the capacity to co-regulate. What is co-regulation? Simply put, it’s providing a sense of safety and connection to our kids. No amount of  ‘logical explanation’ can provide this safety to kids unless your demeanor, tonal quality, and content demonstrate safety for our kids.  

An important thing to keep in mind is that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Looping through reciprocity, rupture, and repair are signs of a healthy relationship. We suffer when rupture occurs and it’s not repaired. Ultimately, we are a species that has evolved to survive through connection. Hope this article can help you see yourself and your kids in a different light. Happy parenting!

About the Author
Namitha Raju is a Certified Master Parent Coach. She coaches parents to develop deep connections and peace in their relationships with their kids. Her company, Beautiful Bonds, is based on the principle that emotional growth, healthy relationships, and personal transformation are the keys to fulfilling parenthood. Dr. Raju received a Ph.D. in Psychology, where she studied early development. As a mom of two kids, she found that her academic experience couldn’t rescue her from her day-to-day parenting challenges! Her curiosity led her to garner the expertise necessary to inculcate deep connections between parent and child. She serves parents virtually throughout the US. If you would like to find out more, please visit https://beautifulbonds.me.